reading murakami

i'm rereading haruki murakami's norwegian wood before i finally return it to pam come the next up cinema ga. discounting the fact that murakami can actually write a hilarious narrative as evidenced by the hilariously account of storm trooper's character, the roommate of the narrator during his early college years, i find this novel really depressing. besides the deaths - all are suicides, something which is common among the japanese even today - what is even more depressing is that after all the narrator and main character has been through and is able to do, he is reminiscing some twenty years after the events he was relating, and it seems nothing much has happened with his life. if ever, he's on a level lower than the life he previously led. you know, a guy with so much abilities and knowledge can go places. but then, if you choose to live in the memory of the dead and the what-could-have-beens - basically, your past - nothing's bound to happen to you. and so at the end of the novel, i was so damn depressed i didn't want to read another story like it again.

but then, murakami is a great writer. however, some critics didn't give favorable reviews for this particular novel because it was not the usual work you would expect from murakami, in fact, calling it somewhat autobiographical but not entirely the usual fare you would expect from murakami's genius. well, i'm not to say that this novel is below par, because it was excellently written. however, i do agree that this is not the usual story that murakami would engage in. let me qualify that. i've only read four books of murakami all in all. i first read the wind-up bird chronicle (i was attracted to this author when i first browsed through the pages of this book at national bookstore), then sputnik sweetheart, followed by norwegian wood and finally, dance dance dance. and from what i've read so far, this has got to be the most straightforward of all his novels, the more realistically occurring. yes, that is totally true; there's the sheep man living in an alternate universe that's located in the same world you are living in today, a person who can pass through walls and get an orgasm with a psychic prostitute, a character whose hair turns white overnight after seeing her an exact copy of herself living a life of its own in a room atop a ferris wheel. there also are vanishing elephants and wild sheep chases, hard-boiled wonderland, a boy named kafka and the different impacts of a local earthquake to a number of the residents (subjects of other books by murakami). details and storylines are
not entirely easy to explain. it's up to the reader to interpret what to make of the different occurrences in the novels. there's gotta be some brain exercise for one to be able to understand what murakami is trying to say. and i tell you once again, that circumstances were not entirely the same with his book norwegian wood.

this book, however got me intrigued regarding f. scott fitzgerald's the great gatsby. it's a book the main character and his friend like to read. murakami is not limited to reading books and listening to music which are commonplace or are in the mainstream. in fact, he is a jazz aficionado and the books he's mentioned in his novels span european and american literature (contemporary or otherwise - don't argue with me about time since i do not know the exact dates of publication of the books he's mentioned). so if you must know, i'm watching out for the books this author's mentioning. he's also got me intrigued regarding jack kerouac - quite a staple among the avant-garde if i may
say so from impressions i have formed from reading various articles which mention him (even his name screams eccentric). aside from these learned and a-notch-above-the-rest (not necessarily in terms of financial matters) lives his characters lead, murakami is also prone to island settings - malta, greece, hawaii, young, teenage girls entering the lives of thirty-something males (albeit, not in a malicious way) and who do so because they are different from
other people their age and their sensibilities match that of the older male, characters who drink beer often and regular enough it's just so alarmingly ordinary (at least for me, who's not exposed to that kind of lifestyle, i mean,
drinking is for relaxation done in a place where you're with friends, or else by your lonesome when feeling blue), attractive and intriguing japanese women and, characters losing something along the way which turns into the ultimate quest of the major character, resolved side by side with the various issues besetting the characters of the novel. it's one big psychological show, and i'm not a person who's too big on psychology (analysing math problems is already difficult for me, what more if you analyse a person and i'm sure, i'm not adept at picking up clues).

but however his stories turn out, they are great reads. i'm looking forward to his south of the border, west of the sun, another book of his that i'll be borrowing from pam. i also really wanted to buy this, as well as kafka on the shore (his latest before his new release of a collection of short stories) - the former because i was attracted to the jacket blurb which cites it as a work where murakami at his most wise and compelling, and the latter because i liked what i read when i browsed through the first page.

after all that i have read and seen regarding the japanese and their culture, i've come to the conclusion that the japanese are a very serious people, with no peep of comic relief, not even just a single funny situation involving themselves. nope, no funny stories from japan, only horror movies and more social dramas. no funny literary works. yes, there may be some in anime but then, funny circumstances are anime are due to the characterization of the players themselves. i've never heard of a japanese creation wherein a character finds himself in a situation where absurd things happen to him, and he would, thus, have to resort to silly or absurd actions to get through to the next
scene. what movies have i watched? as of now, i can only remember two: high and low by kurosawa, and battle royale. the former, a detective story aiming to catch the kidnapper and the ransom money he got from a rich businessman whose life unfolds along the way; the latter, a brutal program to instill responsibility and a sense of survival to japanese youngsters who only know to wreak havoc at school. only must survive after three days or else, everyone is dead, and there will be no winners of the game. this is a pretty cynical view, how orwellian (forgive my mentioning this author - all i've read is 1984). imagine, a class of middle school kids looking to kill each other off so that they'd be able to get out of an isolated island alive. a misunderstood bunch, and ones who also misunderstand the adult world. well, we're not seeing the whole picture here since you only get the adults' point of view, but nothing on the students. and like murakami's writing, there are hidden symbolisms, meanings, to be deciphered by the discerning viewer. and oh yeah, i remember i've watched the ring too.

anyway, what's with all this seriousness? is this an effect of what japan has gone through during the second world war? it may have been, plus the spillover effect of the culture japan has had, being isolated from the rest of the world
for so many years before the war. this is what i get from the psyche of the urban japanese. however, being the "frustrated japanese" that i am, i am actually drawn to japanese culture itself. it's so mesmerizing actually - the geisha, the samurai, the cherry blossoms. everything's just so beautiful. i've been drawn to this country from a long time ago, probably ever since i first saw kenshin himura in the animated movie.

the urban psyche may be troubled, or else, seriousness is what keeps them going all through their days (as long as they don't resort to suicide). anyhow, i'm anxious to get a headstart on my nihonggo lessons and visit japan real soon.
today's the 31st of december. i've to sleep now, the family's going to mass this morning since it's sunday already.

*started at 12:35 am

**wishing**

the night may turn out to be a memorable one. being with him under the stars, in this nice, dimly lit place with nice music. for once, she was dressed up, the feminine side of her showing, for a night of celebration. bring a date she did, and she had no want of anybody else by her side that night but him. they've gotten off to a good start, him keeping up his end of the conversation. it must have been a good night for dancing couples, but he didn't seem interested.

finally, the weight on his mind started to pour out. girl trouble, whether he should still pursue her or not. she patiently hears him out, the conflicts inherent in his situation and playing in his mind.

it might have been a perfect night, a very good start. but then, there's nothing she can do. all she can hold on to at the end of the night is just a passing dream, a fleeting fantasy.

day out with HS friends

today, i got together with my high school friends. i wasn't able to see them during the sembreak since i was stuck at the pilot food plant curing meat and such. the last time i saw these guys was probably before the start of the first sem classes. yes, it's been that long. since some of us are studying in metro manila, we only get to see each other during sembreaks, summer breaks or christmas breaks. however, most of us took to having summer classes so well, there you go.

this time around, we didn't proceed to city mall right away after meeting up at LNU, an act which we have invariably been doing ever since we started meeting up after our high school days. for a change, we went to quattro grill and restaurant, located beside the dagupan bus station in arellano. there were five of us who met up at school - ice, cookie, mafe, al and i. however, only four of us ended up going to quattro since al had a lunch outing with his family. it's been awhile since i saw this guy. ever the hardworking, success-driven marketing student (college does bring out the best in some people), i'm sure he'll soar to great heights when he graduates from college. although he tells me, he's planning to take up masteral studies first.

so there we were at quattro. when our orders arrived, ysa arrived. now, she's the only one among my high school batchmates whom i see in metro manila since the rest are studying in schools in manila while the both of us are studying in up diliman which is in qc. new hair. i liked it. i'd like to have a haircut which is not one of the usual layered or straight cuts i often get. anyhow, ice and i got sisig and nilasing ni hipon. the latter was quite interesting - ice even had a comment about the vinegar, something about it being stronger than usual. we also had bottomless tea. ysa didn't eat because she said she had a heavy breakfast. art arrived a little while later, having just come from comelec for the voter's registration. then jajo arrived sometime later. so there we were, we're complete.

we are the usual ones who meet up during these breaks. sometimes, some people would hang out with us like kris or al, but these two were not available this time. i'm not sure how we started to stick together, but we were good friends in high school. it's now after college that during get togethers, the seven of us would almost always be present.

so there at quattro, we had nice conversation, learning stuffs about ourselves and our other batchmates. the most surprising revelation of all was ice. i knew there was something when i asked her the question during a phone call i made this break. i didn't expect "it" to be that far along. but anyway, i was smiling (from ear to ear) the whole time i learned all about "it." i was really happy for her, and excited at the same time, since this friend of mine has finally got her own. anyway, she didn't let us in in many details, just a few good points. well, i'm intrigued, and i'm curious.

as for the rest of us, we're still in the same situations the last time we saw each other. art is still with lynn, for a whopping 1 year and 2 months already, mafe's still single, cookie's still a hit with the guys, ysa's had some things going, jajo's still on the lookout and on the action, and i'm still part of the nbsb club.

after this, cookie and mafe proceeded to zari-zari studio for pictures cookie had to get while the rest of them accompanied me to nepo mall because i had to return some vcds i borrowed at video city. then we went to the city mall - of course, where else would we end up? when we got there, we first proceeded to national bookstore. there we saw some ednasian batchmates: maricar, jennifer, glori anne, and i think the other one was named macris, a cousin of driggy's. then noel, my highschool thesis partner, came along and what a change. for one, well, he's nagkalaman and his face has gotten bigger. it's his birthday today.

we separated when the rest of us went to the worlds of fun to play some arcade games all the while waiting for mafe and cuks, while noel went to smoke with his cousin. well, that's the last we saw of him. to cap our stay at the worlds of fun, we rode the bump cars. unfortunately, i got on the car that was so slow so i didn't enjoy it that well. but sure, there were a lot of bumps as everyone made the most use of the bump cars. after that, we finally got to get some chairs for our group at the cafe near the internet shop. so we sat down to some chips, some more conversations, and picture-taking.

well, that ended the day. it was around 6pm and some of us had to leave already, so the group decided to leave altogether. after seeing cookie off, the rest of us rode a lingayen jeepney. ice and jajo got off at her place. the rest of us got off near the victory bus terminal. art's going home to caranglaan while mafe will be riding a bus to malasiqui. since m.h. del pilar st. was closed, ysa and i walked to jollibee to wait for a bonuan-bound jeep, this after she bought stuff at mercury drug and looking for a lotto betting station.

so there, the day ends. the next day we'll have like this will probably be in march already. by then, ice and art will have graduated from nursing school, and cookie from accounting school in st. scho. how fast time flies. in less than a week, i'll be back in up to face the rest of the semester, even though i'm not yet totally prepared to go back to school work, and the rest of the stuff that comes with staying in up. a number of my batchmates will be graduating by march 2007, this being our fourth years. they will then be facing the prospect of finding jobs in our country and eventually, abroad, that is, after passing their respective board or licensure exams. priorities, circle of friends, available time will change. it'll be a whole new experience.

the future is wide, full of the unexpected, just out there. but for now, we have the familiar faces we can go back to, and the memories we may hold on to for as long as we like, reminding us of where we have been and the people who have shaped us and been there for us, for our future selves.

christmas 2006

the boys are still at city mall's internet/gaming cafe, while the rest of us are already here at home due to an emergency by dad's which resulted in him not being able to buy some clothes nor the rest of us to stroll around.

this christmas, we were not able to give our homemade cards to our parents. it was partly due to the fact that karen and i took charge of preparing our fare for noche buena. karen is usually the first one to start making a card, and since she was not able to do it, nobody started it up. anyhow, i think it's okay since we were the ones who prepared the crema de fruta (which still remains harder than the ones i get to eat which other people prepared), ham, sparkling salad (which was originally gulaman+pineapple+nata de coco, so we added sago and corn kernels), and chicken spaghetti a la creme. the spaghetti tasted good, except for the fact that there was a smaller amount of chicken than i expected. it's a good thing really, considering the fact that i do not really cook nor stay in the kitchen at all except to cook rice or clean up dishes. this spaghetti had a number of ingredients, including bacon, beer and all-purpose cream.

our christmas tree has also gotten smaller, since our bigger one is all but bereft of its leaves. there are also no more gifts under the tree. we've received our presents earlier, through trips to the mall.

so well, this is our christmas. a few changes. at least i'm enjoying staying here at home. i've sent my greetings to everyone i know in my mobile's phone book. i got at least a week more before i go back to up.

eraserheads nostalgia

when i'm here at home, the music i love to listen to is that of the eraserheads, particularly their albums aloha milkyway and natin99. the latter is my most favorite album of all. i actually have vinyl tape copies of both albums (which makes the more easily accessible ones to play in our home with no cd player) plus sticker happy. however, the tunes i like most are in the two so sticker happy gets less of airtime here. hehe... anyway, its christmas time. i feel the need to play the eheads' fruitcake album.

the eraserheads ranks on top of my list of best and favorite bands ever. listening to their songs brings memories of their genius. seriously, a reunion concert where they just play their old songs would be just a blast...

thoughts at dawn

i seem like a nocturnal animal. i get at least an hour's sleep at night, then when i wake up, it seems like daytime. i'm not sleepy, so either i watch tv or stay in front of the pc. the latter is what i've been doing most times. and i'm awake till 4 or 5 am, which time i go to bed. then i wake up around 8 or 9 am. this must be caused by all those times i've stayed awake till dawn back in up.
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i went to the christmas party of subol. it's been awhile since i've been with the subolites. i usually see some of them around at school. anyway, we did not number to 20 this afternoon. and it's great to see how org relationships and friendships have grown. ate jhet's and july's youngest sibling, chitbog (did i spell this right?), was with us. it was quite fun having him around. it's the first time i've seen him so talkative; at least he was, on the way back home. it's also amusing to see this powerplay among siblings, with july usually at the receiving end of ministrations or threats. well, that's because you've got the older sister and the youngest sibling and they kind of gang up on july, of course, with the hand of ate jhet guiding the little one. *evil grin*
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i got to watch the nu rock awards on myx thursday night. it was a spectacular show, though i didn't get to watch it from the beginning. if you paid the P350 ticket, i must say it was worth it. there were lots of performers, at least one after every award given out. the performances were great, and the energy in the whole place must have been awesome and overwhelming. kamikazee went home with most of the awards, including artist of the year. itchyworms bagged the album of the year award for noontime show, an album which has been given acclaim since its release during the last month of 2005. sandwich was also nominated in many categories, though i'm not sure if they won in any. but still, sandwich remains my most favorite among all the bands ever nominated in the nu rock award. their music is quite a genius, not sounding at all like their previous efforts. marc abaya's departure and the entry of mong alcaraz may have steered the band to new directions, and allowed each of the members to contribute more creatively. i definitely have to get a copy of their five to the floor. i might have to wait for awhile to ensure that no special edition comes out, what with a song they contributed to the supernoypi soundtrack. i really like the sound they've produced in this album.

i also like up dharma down, and a copy of their album fragmented nowhere can be found. i also intend to get a copy of it. i've only seen up dharma down perform once, when they have not yet attained this kind of success. they were already on their way, that i'm sure of, but still quite a nobody. it was upmc's anniversary gig at the educ theater. of course, i didn't remember the songs they performed then, but they had a really interesting sound. what label do the music critics place on their songs anyway? they were in good terms with nika, makopa's vocalist and since nika liked them, i thought they were some kind of acid jazz since makopa's main repertoire is acid jazz. i still don't know till now, but surely, one cannot deny the fact that armi millare is oh-so-talented and beautiful. great voice, great keyboard-playing skills and the looks. i remember my orgmate mia was a classmate of hers in a college of music-based ge class. i want to know what it feels like to have some famous person (for all the right reasons) as a classmate.

well, with all that's happened (i mean look at the list of nominees), i must say the pinoy rock scene is really making waves, flooding the industry with ingenuity and true pinoy sensibilities.
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just thinking...

i think it would be really nice if one's boyfriend knows how to dance, those type of dances where a partner is required. why this thought? just got to watch the second half of shall we dance. and at the end, richard gere was just dancing with his wife played by susan sarandon in the kitchen and it was just so...nice, sensual in a way, manifesting the fact that they really looked in love with each other. hmm, i'm going on with the boyfriend thing again...

you know what's sad, or pitiful? a girl spending time with two guy friends and these two friends of hers just laying bare their innermost desires regarding a girl, who's too beautiful she's just gotta be the prize. even though you know that mere looks don't at all get you a man, you still need some of it for a man to come talk to you in the first place and set off all the spark needed. and you've got a mild thing going for one of your guy friends, and no matter which angle you look at it, you just can't seem to think that you have a chance. not one, not in heaven nor in hell. especially when you know that guys would really look out for at least great looker or hot mama - then couple with a great personality - and then you could just die.

haha. talk about self-pity.

just got the thought going on and, i'll just look forward to christmas.

it's been awhile since i wrote. i missed writing and being able to read my thoughts on particular subjects in the future. anyhow, i'm still plain old me, albeit with aditional stuff to do, but nontheless, determined to enjoy the vacations.

till the next post... ciao!

wanna know all about sensory evaluation?

final thoughts on FS 131: Sensory Evaluation of Foods --> the last extract to be passed

Following the lecture on quantitative consumer testing, we moved on to qualitative consumer tests centering on focus group discussions. These are more intimate and do not need statistical analysis. Besides proper facilitation of the focus group discussion (to avoid monopolization by dominant personalities), careful interpretation of the data is critical and the participants may not represent the target market. But it may be able to gather extensive information about a product category.

For the lab sessions, the class underwent quantitative descriptive sensory analysis. We were able to experience the training that panelists undergo before sensory analysis of a certain product. This was even more challenging, especially during the generation of descriptors for each attribute of the peanut butter samples. Descriptions are hard to come by and I was able to perceive only a few qualities as compared with my classmates who were able to give a lot. From these, the descriptions for each attribute was narrowed down and consolidated. The next session is still the training stage with the prescribed references for each descriptor. This time, the group was smaller as the class was divided in two and I get to be the trainer! Being the panel leader, Ma’am Villarino briefed me and the other trainer on the sequence of actions to be undertaken during the training phase. I was generally nervous and I couldn’t remember to give the descriptions for each taste solution. I was also quite anxious for everything to go well. The panel realized that the references for roasted peanut and peanut skin flavor and aroma were not what they originally evaluated during the generation of terms phase. The cardboard reference was also not sufficient. Thus, we had to discard those references and no evaluation was made on the flavor and aroma. I was glad when the whole thing was finally over. The next session was the actual evaluation phase and, well, I tried to give an objective assessment of the products as best as I could.

The last part of the lab sessions for FS 131 was the consumer testing. We utilized the products in Sir Ciron’s project, high-fiber longganisa products using coconut flour. The test consists of two parts, consumer acceptability on 10 different formulations and consumer preference between a control and a high-fiber product. We were initially tasked to do the tasting on elementary kids aged 10-12 years old. However, due to the difficulty in securing panelists, there was a change of plans and we were asked to recruit mothers. Because of this, the actual consumer testing was delayed for a week. In place of that, we already conducted physico-chemical determination of the characteristics of the control and high-fiber products. Panelists are also very hard to come by since we had little time to recruit and we practically knew no housewives since many of us live in dorms or away from UP to know someone who actually lives on campus. I was in the preparation area during the testing. Many considerations have to be made regarding the products since those containing fiber easily crumble. The drying up of the samples while waiting for the next panelists also had significant effects on the evaluation of the products. The first day of testing was quite a circus since we are all first timers. We were able to organize ourselves more during the afternoon. The second leg of the tests was quite a breeze already. I just recently got hold of two of the questionnaires and may I say that the panelists were not able to answer them adequately. I actually tabulated one who checked two hedonic ratings for one product, and who provided the same answers for her reasons in liking the product which were not related in any way to the product she evaluated. This one consistently liked all of the products. The other one consistently gave dislike ratings for all of the products, at least citing in some products the flavor as the culprit. In other cases, the product is just too shameful to let her husband consume them or else, not suitable for sale. At least we were able to get more information from her.

This is the last of FS 131, besides the report on consumer tests and the upcoming exam. It was a totally different world from the usual food chemistry and microbiology. It aims to validate the qualities achieved during microbiological and physico-chemical testing of certain food products. The activities were also very varied and I am glad to see that there are many aspects of sensory evaluation. Initially, I only thought hedonic scaling was the only way to go since that is what I am used to doing, being a panelist of various sensory evaluations conducted in the college. Many things actually go on behind the scene. Maintenance of product quality prior to evaluation, randomization of samples and serving order, ensuring extraneous factors are minimized during evaluation. There is also such a thing as calibration of the panelists to give a reliable sensory profile of a certain product. Of course, statistical analysis should not be left behind. It’s a whole new world, and developments are coming up every time. Our journal assignment on sensometrics gave me some view on the various methods by which sensory evaluation is constantly being improved. The need to produce goods which meet consumers’ needs and satisfactions and analyzing consumer behavior is the driving force for this field of food science. It’s a promising field and I hope it picks up in the Philippine food industry.

reaching for that... goal!

i got to watch goal! last week. it can be likened to many of the movies which talk about dreams and reaching for them. of course, not all of them feature 3 football giants in the same screen, albeit for only a few seconds. i'm talking about beckham, raul and zidane. of course, you can't take this lightly when the premise is that you're a complete nobody, coming from the latin community of LA. somebody spots you and gives you a ticket to showcase your skills to the manager of one of the bigger teams in england. off you go, and on the way, you encounter a number of obstacles. playing in your first game is just the tip of the iceberg if you do well. and winning game after game must be the greatest feeling of them all. what makes this a nice watch is that you can relate to the feelings of santiago munez. playing football elicits similar feelings in me. love of the game wants me to achieve greater heights that santiago has. in fact, the succeeding goal! movies will feature santi inside the camp bernabeu, home of real madrid, and if this is correct, the last will be his world cup appearance, him being an illegal immigrant and all. just achieving his dreams makes me rejoice for santi, with goosebumps welling up in me as he achieves his dreams.

this brings me to a more important topic: my goals. our teacher in HE 100 has been telling us that without goals, we won't be going anywhere. we should have a map of the things we want to achieve and the things we ought to do to achieve them. this serves as a guide for the things we'll be doing for the next few years or the next decade of our lives. this has bothered me because i have no concrete plans. i only have this general goal that i want to achieve and yet, i'm not sure how i'll get there yet. the means i'm thinking about is not even very nice when you look at it. it's not how many successful people come to achieve their dreams. however, i'm just planning to wing it out, see how the tides go and just plan based on it. i don't think i'm much of a long-term planner person. in fact, if its alright, i wish i will not have to involve myself in a career related to food technology. or not. i'm not sure yet. this social responsibility thing hinges on my mind. work in this field is complicated. chemistry, physics, biology. but it's stuff for CSI if you are in the right job. hmm, i remember thinking i could work in forensics for an exciting career. however, there are a number of things i want to do alongside having a career. so, nothing's resolved. i've just aired it out. let me do some more thinking.

devilish fashion

i just watched the devil wears prada on dvd. for something that's based on a book, it's really nice. well, that may be what i think because i haven't read the book yet. anyhow, i enjoyed it (methinks i should read the book.. there're probably a few stuff omitted or changed in the movie). and come on, that's a whole load of fashion. and, i never thought it possible, but anne hathaway runs around (literally!) in stilettos around NY and Paris. and i realize, yet again, that you just had a bit of fashion sense in you, you'd probably never look boring to others. i mean, a little bit of something (a stylish cap here, an arm band there, a necklace here, a skirt sometimes, a different pair of shoes) could go a long way in changing your look. of course, it's not as if doing that would be very easy. there's the matter of seeing if your accessory fits the other stuff you're wearing.
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intermission (couldn't think of anything worthwhile to say): well, i wanted to write because i was in a reflective mood after watching the movie. hmmm...
...

if that book didn't spawn the hundreds of chick lit populating the bookshelves nowadays, i wouldn't have thought there was something meaningful or thoughtful behind the story. from what i get from reading the papers, the book is about staying on the job that all fashion-conscious girls covet. and this new girl, andrea or andy for short, is just out to prove to herself and to her boss, the "vicious" (andrea's words) and - how else do i describe her? strict? - commanding miranda priestley, an icon in the fashion world, and editor-in-chief of runway, not just a magazine but a "beacon of elegance" in fashion. indeed, when one of miranda's artists said that runway is not just a magazine, i thought, what else would there be to it? and he said those quoted words. in fact, what miranda told andy when the latter made the mistake of mentioning (to miranda) that fashion is just stuff was quite true in a way. in the capitalist society, the norms are set by those in power, those with money who can change things with the exchange of cash. what may be deemed a good product may not entirely come from the opinion of the users coming to that conclusion out of their own volition. advertisements, or the promise of false truths, may have influenced their opinion. in the movie, miranda elucidated to andy that what she is currently wearing at the moment (a blue sweater and generic skirt - what is suitable to her in her own fashion sense) did not entirely come out of her. magazines past have declared that the blue sweater she's wearing is fashion, and so andy, being a female and a consumer, agrees with what they say and she buys and wears that item. initially, i thought what she said was so profound but now, after thinking it over and having written it down, it just seemed so simple. anyhow, i was a bit surprised that that thought was included in the movie. well, with miranda saying it, it just seemed the sort of power she would feel over all the other fashion-conscious people in the world. but it being a hollywood film, it's like playing with fire. you may fuel discontent there. hmmm. but it's a good thought, the producers using that line in the film.

and for more surprises, andy was actually accepted into stanford law but chose to pursue journalism after graduating with a number of awards to her name. wandering in new york, she gets hired after her talk about being smart. doesn't seem to make much sense why she'd end up applying at runway. maybe this was a change from the book. anyhow, we see andy's a strong person and can cope with anything with a bit of luck. imagine, miranda asked her to get a copy of the unpublished manuscript of the next harry potter book (oho, millions there to j.k. rowling and the harry potter franchise). she was really demanding from the second assistant and since andy rose to the demand, she was deemed better qualified and close to being promoted to first assistant. in fact, instead of the first assistant, she was asked if she would go to miranda to paris for the yearly fashion shows. there was a whole world of possibilities in paris, and though she was given a choice on whether to go (in spite of emily (1st assistant) who had been dying to go for a long while already) or not, it didn't seem like much of a choice, especially if you were told that you did not and would not care about runway or any other publication at all if you did not go to paris. seemingly, this signals the turnaround in andy's personality into one that is completely opposite her, doing some things she would never do to people she cares about. slowly, she is turning into the person that she disses, the traits she associates with shallow, runway-type people. in short, people in the fashion world, those who claw at each other's throats just to get to the top. although there is still the shadow of her old self, she was finally made to realize the person she has become by miranda herself. after learning of the hurt miranda feels towards her pending divorce, she discovers that miranda is also a person - a wife and a mother. so when andy learns that miranda is about to be fired from the editorship, she tells miranda. miranda knew about it all along, and had planned for a long while what to do to keep the job. it may be love for runway, or overconfidence based on the opinion that no one could do to runway what she had been doing, but she did it at the expense of her most loyal artists, nigel, who's also been a close friend of andy's during her stint at runway. and so, from the demanding and vicious miranda, runway EIC, we see a more human miranda priestley, and then seemingly, the devil herself, miranda, in prada or any other sensible fashion label. is this the entirety of the evils miranda has done? i would like to know. and so, i'm more convinced that i should find a way to read the book.

so there you go. the cycle of life. andy then realizes what she has become and what she really wants wants. she throws away the object that physically links her with miranda and quits right then and there. she gets into a job that she really aimed to have after graduating, but not without the help of miranda's recommendation saying that andy has been the biggest disappointment among all her assistants, but then the editor screening andy would be an idiot if he did not hire her.

while walking, andy sees miranda and acknowledges her. miranda, i guess thinking back to older days, only smiles at herself when she was out of sight. yes, there are still some good things in the world. a person would not be alive if there was not the slightest bit of goodness in him.

the devil? she wears prada, is tough on her assistants, loves her kids, loves but is demanding of runway and its people, but overall, she's a challenge to be overcome by those who wish to be in her world. quitting doesn't mean you're a failure, but knowing that that world is not for you.

so andy's story ends. but the fashion is so check! hairstyles and all, i wish i could look the same or do the same to me. probably feel better about myself in many ways. but no cutthroating. anyhow, this has been a long reflection. many moods have passed. i'm up for a make-up class later today at 1pm and my report on ion-exchange chrom on monday.

ciao!

singing japanese

many things oughta be happening. i'm taking a break from the breakneck speed that i'm supposed to be doing things tonight. i have to finish the first compilation of our fs 135 report so that i could give it to macky for the final touches tomorrow. on top of that, i still have to start my report in fs 131 on descriptive sensory analysis. at least the calculation part is through. i've only my analysis to think about and put into words. of course, given the simple way i've told you what it's about, it's not really that easy trying to do this report with the various parameters involved (ANOVA on 9 different attributes of three product brands). up next, our report on the pretreatment of fruits and vegetables for fs 128 which was supposed to be due last wednesday, but which, due to the lack of time for it we choose to pass tomorrow. however, results still need to be analyzed. and i will only be able to get the parts done by each of my groupmates tomorrow morning. plus, we have classes tomorrow afternoon. and our group will be torn between doing the microbiological test for our special problem and doing the dehydration experiment. plus, i'm a respondent for dette's group's experiment at 12:30 pm tomorrow. also, i'm to evaluate longganisa again tomorrow. at least, there are a number of freebies for me. way to go.

anyhow, that's not what i wanted to write about. last sunday, i listened to the soundtrack of rurouni kenshin that i have. and i thought, why not sing along with the lyrics while i listen. so instead of doing more important stuff, there i was, blabbing incoherent japanese words along with the song. and i was having fun with it. the lyrics were not all wrong, mind you. i actually had saved some lyrics before and they're stored in my pc. and most of them even had translations. it was really fun. and it made me all the more want to learn how to speak japanese (nihongo). what struck me was the very different ways in which the japanese words were spoken. it's like no two songs were the same in manner of speaking (or word choice, if i may clear up the notion). in fact, one translator even noted that the writer uses a distinctly feminine/girlish speech, almost a "valley girl" type of Japanese. if there was formal, there's informal, but then, there're also other forms of speech. get what i'm saying.

and well, rurouni kenshin is quite action packed. so what i found out about the lyrics of the opening and ending themes did not quite match with what i thought it would be. all the translations i read were reminiscence of love. either the song talks about memories of a loved one, what that person does to you or the hurts caused by relations with that person. and i thought those japanese words on sobakasu were some be-strong-you-can-do-it type of message. had a good time last sunday. and of course, the words had to be pronounced every syllable. so that when you read a word that spells shitenai, you actually have to pronounce it this way: shi-te-na-i.

well, new discoveries. i miss watching kenshin. but most especially, i miss hearing the sounds that reminds me of him. good thing i have my pc. which is really very convenient for me. it's a good thing i got to convince my parents to buy me one.

so, after this long litany, i have to go back to what i was starting. wish me luck. ciao!

pagninilay-nilay

inabutan ako ni ate joyce kanina ng complimentary ticket sa Asia Food Expo sa World Trade Center. bale hanggang ika-siyam ng setyembre siya gaganapin. binalak naming pumunta dun pareho. pero sa kasamaang palad, di ako pwede. hidni rin ata siya makakapunta. pagkakita ko, nalaman kong compliments iyong ticket ng isang food-related company. kung hindi ako nagkakamali, doon siya nagtratrabaho ngayon. at sa pagkakataong iyon, bigla kong na-miss ang mga araw na nakikita ko pa si kras dito sa up. at hindi lang basta sa up. iyong tipong pupunta ka sa college para sa klase, o di kaya pupunta sa lib para mag-research o magbasa lang, tapos walang anu-ano, bigla mong masisilayan ang mukha, o kahit pigura ng taong... well, nagpapaligaya ng araw mo. ahem, ahem... mushiness...kumusta naman.

actually, hindi siya isang karanasan na magugulat ka na lamang bigla. somewhere in the back of your mind, alam mong one time or another, makikita mo siya, pwedeng for 3 seconds lang o di kaya ay rumarampa sa harap ng mata mo. pero alam mong there's a possibility and you look forward to it.

so ngayon... wala na... wala na.

***

alam mo, kahit anong gawin mo, darating iyong panahon na mapapagtanto mong ang daming oras nang nasayang sa pagpaplano at pagbibigay oras sa mga bagay na hindi naman nagpapasaya sa iyo. parang ngayon, isang buwan na lamang at magtatapos na ang unang semestre ng aking ikaapat na taon sa kolehiyo. siyempre, marami pang tatahakin... gaya ng... deadline ng dropping bukas. (itutuloy ko ba ang math?) pero kung hindi dahil sa sinabi ng orgmate ko nung miyerkules, hindi ko maiisip na ang dami kong nasayang na oras sa paggawa ng mga excuses, mga alibi na hindi naman natutuloy. ayan tuloy, nilipasan na ako ng panahon, panahong hindi na maiibabalik. at siyempre, katulad ng parating nangyayari, nagsisisi ka sa huli. kung sana'y naging mas mabuti akong estudyante dati, e di sana nakapagbigay ako ng oras. kung sana'y maayos ang prayoridad sa buhay, e di sana walanag naiiwan.

questions, disappointments, loneliness

what drives a person to ask a question? if to the receiver of the question, what is asked was so simple, to the hesitating soul, it may not be. it may not sound as easy as it seemed, being under a number of stimuli, one of which concerns the question that was asked. hmmm... just thoughts from a recent experience.

***

yesterday didn't turn out as well as everyone expected. i was quite excited because it was going to be my first tournament. it's a game of futsal in the covered courts of dar. there were a few familiar faces with laya and sgu participating, as well as upmfc, though some of the girls there i could sometimes see at sunken (i thought they were members of sfc). first and foremost, there were only 3 all-female teams in that open tourney. we thought we were not gonna play anymore if they don't divide the teams into male and female divisions. eventually, everything was resolved. but playing yesterday wasn't the best experience for many. first and foremost, the referee totally was out of it. he wasn't doing what he was supposed to be doing. and then there were a few tears. well, at least the Sikad Girls B team won. I was with the Sikad A team. hehe... i don't think i was that much help. i just returned to training the day before (friday) and seeing as the lineup was lacking (since we fielded 2 teams), kuya pat asked me if i could play. and since i'm not one to pass up on a good opportunity if i could, i agreed. (yep, that's why everything with schoolwork's messed up again). anyhow, there was the underlying concern that i warm up to the game real slow. i'd probably need some 30 minutes or so of continuous playing before i get to playing my real game (my real game meaning the type of play i could do after quite a long training hour at sunken). and the futsal game was only 12 minutes long, and i don't stay on during the whole duration of the game. the applicants even play better than me.

there were a few disappointed people, especially in the girls team. anyway, i don't know the whole of the story. you know me, the social outcast. anyway, there was a prize money for the girls. the guys were elminated by SGU. a sort of revenge actually, since in their opening game, they trampled on the SGU La Vista team (5-0). their next battle with SGU (Velocity team) sent them home with 4-2. Yup, saw familiar peeps there again. the SGU guys who live near here. actually, in the same street as i do.

we went to jollibee afterwards for a much needed lunch. that was around 5 pm. then ate leah treated us to a sundae twirl (one for each person there). her birthday treat. bam and belus were also there. good thing may naabutan pa silang game. all because of the unorganized (confused?) organizers.

***

i came to this conclusion tonight. the thought's been around my head for quite awhile already, but it was only awhile ago i thought it final. i don't think i could ever belong in a group, or form lasting relationships for that matter. with anyone, ever, except my immediate family. i need variety, or else, i'll get bored. the same person for long periods of time, and you're both doing the usual things... i don't think i'll last that long. maybe that's why best friend relationships are not my kind of thing. the things i like to do change from day to day. i feel like best friends are like romantic relationships, only a little less exciting. there's that expectation that you'll be together every minute, unless you have romantic relationships. and that thought doesn't appeal to me very much. ugh! am i that much of an antisocial? that's gotta be a fitting description for me, right? i mean who in his right mind would shun the company of people, when at times, one can't help but feel lonely in this strange, big world. so, will i find friends for life this way? forget friends. even just one who'll stick with me all throughout. and right now, i'm struggling with the distance thing. if i have no communication with the person, or even if we bonded yesterday, then we didn't see each other for a week, the relationship would be back to the time when we haven't bonded yet. so no friends... how about partner for life? i think there's a good chance i won't have one either. goodness, what a price to pay for this personality i have. any chance for change? nothing i can see in the immediate future. personality development is one of my goals. of course, attending those seminars requires a good amount of money. i'll probably learn about handling relationships with people when i'm getting old and practically devoid of any person i could call friend. and going crazy.... haha, that's another thought, frightfully realized one night. i guess i'll just end up insane then, like 10 years from now. i'll be 30 then, and i don't think much will have happened, given the way i'm handling the state of things now. wow, i'm self-evaluating again, and everything's so negative.

anyway, i don't want to plunge myself to another all-time low. so i'm stopping this. gotta start that journal review already.

ciao! cheer me up. please. help me realize. just plain help me.

daydreaming...

i was exclaiming to myself this morning, too many expletives in a very small period of time, like 3 minutes. i should study but then, other matters came over me and i was dreaming again. daydreaming to be exact. and what do i mostly daydream about? romantic scenes, the kinds that lead to happy endings in romance movies, you know with all the twists (fights, teases, misunderstandings in between). it's been quite a usual occurrence nowadays. i usually start them when i take a bath. and then till i change into my clothes, i'm still not done with it. it's really amazing, i get to concoct a number of lines, plus the appropriate expressions, gestures and actions. but when it comes to studying, i don't proceed that far. i should try writing down some. tedious job. well, since i've procrastinated so much, i didn't do as well as the exam should have brought out in a diligent student. come on, that must be one of the easiest midterms ever. but me, forever a crappy student since i stepped in high school. so one more exam tomorrow. gotta imbibe that thing about the taylor, maclaurin and binomial series. won't be able to pass the draft on my report in 135 though. probably watch the dare night too.

***

an aside: yep, i'm totally alright again. i love spending time with people once more. though there are quite a few problems with org peeps/stuff, but nothing too depressing or unsolvable. wah! i'd like to play futbol once more. ought to watch a dare night too. so, in another 24 hours then.

back to my old self

i'm slowly regaining my connections, my touch with reality. no more suicidal thoughts. no more mind-numbing sadness. but i'm still my old self. although i was quite friendly with the apps who were asking for my signature awhile ago. people must be all that i need. if i didn't have a choice, i wouldn't probably this elated after the day that has been. elated is more like an overstatement, but given the events of the weekend, i'm glad that i'm back to this state i am now.

so, finally exams have caught up. draft on ion-exchange due on thursday. hallo to the night. cheers!

weekend

you know, if i just bragged enough, i'd amaze a good number of people out there. like those peeps who don't live really extraordinarily. okay, the normal filipino teen then.

how so? i've just spent 3 days holed up in the same place without much interaction, human interaction. true. i've had no company since saturday afternoon. mars went home to laguna last friday, alessa went home saturday around lunch. i've just been reading american gods the whole morning. we haven't even been talking much then. then i decided to indulge myself.

the long weekend was supposed to be a time for me to catch up on everything. math midterms on wednesday, 3rd long exam the following day, exam in fs135 on saturday. the report draft for 135 is also due on thursday. and up to this time, i haven't done anything that will help me accomplish any of those tasks i'll be facing this week. but indulge myself i did. and mistakes of mistakes, i let my cramming self take over again. yes, it seems ages ago when i've prepared quite awhile before any exam or project. back in elementary, i was a conscentious student. now, i cannot work unless the deadline is just a few hours away. it's been a big problem for me, but then, it's very hard for me to change my ways. i actually resolved to myself last friday that i'll do things right this time. no more cramming. i'll actually study hard for math. and begin reading the books i've borrowed for my report (on ion-exchange chrom). and i haven't risen up to the demand again. and yet, i realized on sunday afternoon (after making sure i've uploaded the data needed for fs131) that it is impossible for me to concentrate on a task that will take place a few days from now. so i thought, i'll study for sure on monday (what did i do on saturday? i'm sure i stayed up quite late, finished american gods for one, and continued reading love in the time of cholera). for now, let me watch some korean movies. i did. 3 movies straight. korean movie marathon, thanks to alessa's dvds. i watched a bold family (a nice watch, funny circumstances bring the laughs), the lure of the wolf (the connotation to the wolf only evident during the opening sequence and hmm, two more lovely looking guys i wound up wanting) and everybody has secrets (what would you think or do if you found out that the guy you love and intend to marry worked his charms with your two other sisters and had sexual relations with them, hiding under the guise of doing everyone good by giving them a secret - in the end, they didn't end up together but the guy, goodlooking that he is, was smarting in the end that if not for him, those sisters wouldn't have been happy with their lives). friday night, we watched a korean film (bad video quality) about a girl who's haunted by the ghost of an ancient princess, who must marry a certain guy before she turns 16 and give birth in a year or else she dies. after yesterday's marathon, the computer didn't get a rest yet as i read the files i can (a lot of 'em, stacked through the years of net surfing) all throughout the night, playing some yahoo downloaded games in between (actually, i played during the earlier part of the night, i've just been reading till i switched the pc off). i must have switched the pc on around 3.30 pm (had lunch at around 3) and switched it off at 5 am this morning.

woke up around 9:30 this morning. ate cheese bread sandwich. i don't really like the taste of magnolia's cheezee. well, it's not cheddar cheese as i was accustomed with eden, only pasteurized milk cheese spread (i wonder how that bar of cheese got called a cheese spread) and then thought i'd study. concentration wasn't there yet so i thought i'd fix some files in the pc. since not interested n studying yet, i said i'd watch one movie. it was sad movie, and yeah, the ending was sad (3 of the characters here appeared in movies i'd seen before - the cute guy and friend of the protagonist in he was cool, the guy in my sassy girl, and the girl in the beast and the beauty). after browsing through some of the movies from the dvd (particularly he was cool - the character as well as looks of the protagonist really got to me the first time i watched it), i decided i'd read on ion-exchange chrom. fell asleep instead. awoke around 7pm. not yet inspired to study, brought out the guitar. got to composing a song. i thought the composing part was quite easy, like it's natural. but then looking back at the melody, it sucked. so anyway, i thought i'd write about the whole weekend experience. experience? yeah, take this: Sat breakfast - bread with ham spread, lunch - rice w/ menudo at 3pm, dinner - snack foods bought from coop earlier; Sun breakfast - bread with cheese, lunch - cream O (the only one besides the loaf bread left from the things i bought yesterday), dinner - footlong. so, since coming home friday night, i've only gone out of the house once on sunday afternoon to upload files on the net (got to take home a few interesting files to read, too) then have a proper, however late, lunch. and no, i did not stay downstairs. i was here in my room, the whole time. a cramped little world of my own. are you detecting any emotion there? happiness maybe. well, if you've read the previous three posts, you'll know that i'm sad and sulking from my lack of drive/purpose/motivation. this morning, i didn't feel completely different. but right now, i feel like i'm going back to my old happy (contented) self. i'm ready to face the world again. weird... the prospect of a long weekend here may have triggered all those sorry stuff i've been thinking about myself since friday. but it couldn't have. i've been feeling down for close to a week come saturday, so that mustn't be it. anyhow, i'm only waiting for ate eva to arrive so that i can expect no more intrusions tonight (meaning, i've no one else to expect). my only class tomorrow is from 11.30-1. i reckon i could study pretty good in the morning (hopefully). i also just this evening that my reading material on ion-exchange chrom is not so substantial. but there are no more books on this available at the cs lib. the troubles you get for procrastinating. anyway, take a look at the piece i composed. it's got a silly/simple/awful melody, simple chord progression which doesn't really sound tight as yet.

staying in bed all through the day
lying awake, what there is more to say
nobody else around, no one to talk to
the burden is not yours, it's mine to tend to

alone watching movies, moving through memories
reality at a standstill, it's not really productive
procrastinating, walking down the path of destruction
is there still a reason to continue to live

somehow, sometime, i'll pick myself up
sometimes reason just leaves me bhind
motivation going nowhere, no driving purpose
this is hard living, pertaining only to existence (this line needs reworking)

melancholic wanderings do me no good
holing up by myself, what am i, an antisocial?
too many questions, only lead to sad thoughts
stop this madness, it's time to live again (exactly my sentiments tonight)

staying in bed all through the day
lying awake, what there is more to say
nobody else around, no one to talk to
the burden is not yours, it's mine to tend to
the burden is not yours, it's mine to tend to

sounds familiar? a probable summary of the weekend that has been. i'm thinking of calling it madness. i was just experimenting with a chord prog (G-Am-Dm-C-/E-F-G) and then thought, hey, why don't i write down the words to go with it. i don't know how it would sound. i gotta ask someone, sally, to provide a better melody with the chord prog i have. or else, provide a whole new chord prog for the song. anyway, it has no chorus, so i just thought i'd repeat the first stanza. anyway, its last line delivers what ought to be done, and that is i should take action (although the word tend seems kinda weak and quite out of place). i inserted a Cm after the C because playing the fourth of the scale then going back to G didn't really sound good to my ear. it was kinda off, like it was cut and then restarted right away. actually, the melody only runs from G to C(/Cm) as the next ones only provided fillers in between the 2nd and 3rd, and 4th and 5th stanzas.

so... i've been blabbing for quite a long while already. another night about to pass without any productive activity from moi. i've no update on the APO tribute album. so far i've heard two (pumapatak na naman ang ulan by pne, one i've heard a number of times and is playing right now, and awit ng barkada by the itchyworms). didn't know it was out already. need a trip to the mall (SM). but first, laundry. it's been a week without washing anything. and yeah, i gotta stop this. so ciao! it's 9:04 pm, an hour and 3 minutes since i began typing this.

lackadaisical

lack of social skills is more like it. that's gotta be the main problem.

i received a forwarded text greeting just awhile ago. it says something like the lack of purpose is what makes people quite life. if there's a purpose, you won't tire. so don't ever quit what God wants you to do in life. there, you'll live!

this was just connected to something that crossed my mind earlier this morning. what if you've lived a good part of your life. and then, when you're like in your 30s, you realize that everything was not true. everything, everyone you came across with was just there because somebody/someone made them to be there. they were there to accomplish a purpose set out by that all-seeing controller of your life. like shadow's life in american gods. he was conceived to fulfill the grand plan of Loki and Odin. his wife died so that they could use him. won't it just suck that everything's been planned out. what more is the purpose of living, right? just like the concept of God having planned out everything. you're just there to live it out, see it to its end. what about choice? what, even if you make choices, there's something pre-programmed already as to what would happen if you would choose this or the other? i don't think of it that way. so even if God exists, i think he doesn't meddle too much. throws in some personages, problems, troubles, happy moments. well, that's still meddling enough. but he doesn't directly control your life. you're exposed to a lot of stimuli and it's up for you to decide what happens. well, there's still some aspect of control there. what if there was no one completely? it's too complicated to write right now. i'm still swamped with school work. btw, my sis did not get to go home. she was supposed to leave yesterday morning. however, because of the incessant rain in pangasinan, my parents advised her against it. especially since it's her first time going home by herself. she was kinda disappointed from her text message yesterday. speaking of text, i misplaced my globe sim just last night. it's gotta be in this desk somewhere but my search has been fruitless so far.

a little prodding is all i needed, that's what i thought yesterday. nobody did. the person i expected to do it even called me up yesterday but was content with my answer of not going with the rest of the guys. besides, it was too late since i hadn't accomplished anything the whole day of yesterday. so i ought to do good today and tomorrow.

thinking

am i passing up on an opportunity to raise my spirits up by not going to the bday celeb tonight? am i really that cruel to myself that i would shun the company of others until i get myself better? i'm starting to do it now. and i think it will last until tomorrow and well into monday if external forces don't act up to change how i'm feeling. where's the bright sunshine? it's covered by the clouds. i guess, this way, i can concentrate more on what i need to do. like acads stuff for example. no happy thoughts to think about, no other things i'd rather do than study. no korean movies to put an end to this dark thoughts it's warning of rain.

down again

i've been feeling down and out of sorts for close to a week already, if not more than. i used to delight in playing futbol. it seems this week, i shall pass. even though it's a long weekend (ninoy aquino day on monday, the 21st; right now, manong quezon is having his day). i was envisioning playing with the sikad pips last friday, today and on monday.

ther're so many things i need to do and want to do. everything's piling up. my emotions haven't been helping. it affects my views, my actions, my decisions. i've been asking myselfs lots of questions lately, and providing answers, too, which leads to a lot more questions. i think it's because of the want of purpose. i can't seem to find it in the things i do nowadays. the only thing i think is worthwhile doing is related to acads. shit, i'm really miserable. i've lost my drive. or misplaced it somewhere. this had happened some time ago, too.

what are movies, music and football to one's life? what good is surfing the net? what is about reading books or learning? do i really have friends? or are the people around me just contented with just staying there? am i even important to them, just as other people are important to them? do i really need those other people?

i do get a temporary respite from those emotions when i'm involved in conversation with people. it seems they're forgotten for a moment. and i'm my old self again. i don't abhor (or not like, for a better description) those things i'm interested in, like i do when i'm alone, like this, trying to sort myself. and then the conversation's over, and i watch over everything with a detached eye. not part of the situation, an outside observer, i ask all sorts of questions, and recently, something's been bugging me. what's the purpose of all these?

i shun senseless stuff. senseless is not mundane. i do delight in the mundane sometimes. they provide leisure, entertainment, as everyone is bound to learn when coming across it. the senseless...they're crap. and what do i consider crap? mainstream stuff? i think that's what best describes those things i have been turning my back on. and pa-kyut na hirit. pa-konyong pananalita. walang kwentang kwentuhan. i run into such so very often. (ask me where i've been staying.) i don't join in the crowd who think they're cool, being the center of attention, talking about crap. why? because i love alternative things. i think they're crap because i think i'm cool, joining such societies as sikad futbol club, cinema and music circle. i think if people were more like me, i'd like them better. i'd tolerate them more. but then, what am i? jack of all trades, master of none. i'd like to say i love to get the best out of life. as long as they're within reach. i sometimes think that i'd like to consider myself an intellectual, rising above many others who are confined to what they learn from mainstream media, everyday things. nagpapaka-intelektwal. everyone wants to feel on a level higher than many others at some points in their lives. and when you are, does everybody know about it? nope. personal gratification is what you can only get most times.

people who are alone are the freest people in the world. that's what's said in the opening of the korean movie Love Talks - a slow-paced, probably melodramatic story of two females and their love ties with the world - one i was gonna watch last night but which i slept on. and i did, still do believe in it. romantic relationships are but shackles. unless you're completely go with relinquishing your singlehood to a life of not only considering yourself but thinking along the lines of "you and i" - will it be convenient/worthwhile/good for us or where/what time/what food will we eat - then you've completely accepted that fate. and i'm proud of you for allowing yourself to be controlled by the whims of the relationship. and i do get bored with a single person as a constant companion. variety is what drives me. at least, when i'm in my up and happy days. well, doesn't everyone wish they have a significant other? the concept of romantic love is so primitive, it's like second nature to people. everyone is touched by it. everyone is looking for it. and unless you're one of the more modern, liberated thinkers, you'd not waste time looking for it in places where you won't find it, because if it's meant to happen, it's bound to come to you. some people say they're complete with their partner. they're happy then. sometimes, i do imagine finding the love of my life. somebody who's there to appreciate me just for who i am. we'll be each other's support system emotionally. yes, such feelings are quite natural, i guess, now that i'm in my twenties and having had no boyfriend yet. i'd yearn for someone like that, ideally, with the face and stature of my crush since i only input the personality i come up with when i daydream. and i sometimes think that another person to share my life with will probably complete this missing part of life. no man is an island they say. i agree with that. what's my point again? seeing that i'm still miserable, i wish to know if a having a partner, a boyfriend in more practical terms, could lift me up, make me do away with this down days. but then, what follows is the line of thinking that goes why don't i attract guys in the first place. i see a number of girls who are not beautiful physically, but they've got guys in their lives. a question of self-esteem. and self-worth. what is it that those girls have? what is it that i have? should i be more vulnerable, more helpless, since guys wish to be the knight in shining armor, that they'd like to show they're stronger than you sometimes. that they can comfort you and give you security and happiness when everyone and/or everything else fails? if that's what's needed to happen, i don't think i can snag a guy anytime soon. unless he reads all this stuff and find out that questions of the mind are what's bothering me and pushes me to the lowest depths of existence.

when i think about it, the lack of purpose and a sense of unbelongingness is what's making me feel this way. though i joined a number of orgs, i think that i'm just a speck in the multitude, unimportant. they could get by without me. it's up to me if i'd care to catch up with them. why? it all boils down to personality. and time constraints. i know that proximity and time spent best leads to better relationships with people. that's the case for me. and since acad stuffs are taking so much time, i'm feeling out of touch with people. did this trigger my current need of a purpose, my demotivation? it might have. i think i'm sure it has. coz' what's the point of doing the things you do when you don't feel that people appreciate it? bleh, it's a huge circle, things happening and going in all directions.

i started writing this 2:02 pm. an hour and 2 minutes later, i rest my fingers. i just realized what i wrote in the last paragraph right now. and, i don't know what i'd do with that realization. it just seems like my state of mind is not going to get any better today.

magfi-field pa naman ang sikad ngayon. gusto ko sana maglaro. pati kahapon. tapos pumunta sa birthday celeb ni kuya butoy mamaya. kung may pumilit sa akin pumunta, i might reconsider my not going to bulacan for the overnight gathering of sikad peeps. importante ba ko sa mga tao doon? tapos dapat mag-aaral ako sa overnight or sunday whole day. bahala na. bahala na kung bumagsak at mag-math 162 at magpariwara sa napakalaking espasyo ng up diliman. wala naman atang pinatutunguhan tong buhay na to e.

addicted to house

did i say i'm addicted to house?

yep, the show's great. i'm hooked on it. what's more, i got dvds of the first two seasons, albeit i'm lacking the second half of the first season but it's gonna be arranged. i got a great source. right fatima?

dr. house is just really intriguing and well, dr. chase is really good-looking. plus dr. cameron is gorgeous. (eep, lesbian tendencies?) o di ba? ang ganda ng rason. btw, fatima says dr. chase is the bad guy. awww... love ko pa naman siya, with that accent i can't place. possibly british?

if only my drive stops clamming up every now and then and showing me this blue error screen.

the cast






and dr. chase... how come i don't find that many good angle pics of him at the yahoo site? anyway, here's the best that i can find.

brazil lost to france; portugal advances with defeat of england

france defeated brazil enroute to the final four. hay... what a game. nakakapanghinayang. feel really down. sayang sila. although i like france too, for the sheer genius of zidane on the ball. he was really instrumental. and he seems to be peaking up again, just before retirement. there's not many emotional pics from brazil. try to look for some next time. you can just check the fifaworldcup.com site.

england lost on penalties to portugal with a final score of 0-0. ang daming chances para none was converted even after the 30-minute extension. the game was really good, with both sides attacking and defending well. it was very emotional for the english side, what with beckham taken out for injury. kumusta naman si rooney? masyadong hot-tempered, na-red card tuloy. oh well, was rooting for the underdog, portugal the whole time we were watching. things evened out.

aber?

kumusta na nga ba?

isang hectic na sem coming up. naririnig ko palang ang mga kailangang gawin para sa fs 135 (physico-chem analysis of foods), fs 128 (post-harvest handling/non-thermal processing) at fs 131 (sensory eval of foods) - idagdag mo pa jan ang math 54 - at napapagod na ko. masaya pa naman. pero nafi-feel ko nang nagcri-creep up ang responsibilities sa likod ko. baka dumating iyong time na pagsisihan ko lahat ng naging desisyon ko for the past few months or so.

masaya pa naman ako. may drive pa naman for life. gusto ko nang makapaglaro ng football. sayang nung wednesday, nasugatan pa kasi. lecheng damo iyon.

gusto kong magrelax muna nitong weekend. kaya lang meron nakong dalawang exam next week, parehong araw ng july 1. math 54 at fs 135 pa naman. hay, nakakabaliw.

at least ok naman si mam dumelod. daming smiles kanina. mejo happy moments pa. wala pa naman iyong time na sobrang katakot/nakakanginig to the bones. probably later as the sem progresses.

mababasa ko na sana iyong pinapabasa ni mam luna kaya lang tong lecheng pc na to, ayaw mag-install ng adobe acrobat reader. pano yan? kainis naman tong pc shop na to.. well, assurance din cia pero essential iyong program na iyon, lalo na sa mga estudyante.

hmmm... astig iyong vid ng obs na give it. di ko pa siya napapanood/naririnig ng buo dahil patigil-tigil iyong connection. here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TyvBL3gaMl4&search=out%20of%20body%20special

ayan, eto na lang muna. more next time. if, there is a next time.

nuno sa pu(n)so

i've mentioned before (or not) that proximity is a factor in the way i handle relationships with people. it's also why i get closer or more intimate with people i know and strain or lessen the intimacy with the people i've known before but with whom i haven't been in close contact with (due to the distance). many say it's a factor in romantic relationships, which i don't believe in, since love should be able to eclipse the distance; but then, that shows my immaturity as i've not been able to reconcile the two. anyhow, before i lose my point, i'm just saying that my new obsession is the result of proximity, though not in a physical manner. that is, i see most of this obsession nowadays, that it has, well, graduated into just that, an obsession. haha! now, i'm embarassing myself. but i meant to write this for my blog so i'm posting it anyway. so this time, it's a man. not just any man. i've seen him and his band thrice on cable TV, almost a half-hour straight showing of their videos (thank someone for this jap channel - yup, the website says: musicair.co.jp so i couldn't read the skeds listed up on their website). those three times were all the same of a series of the band's videos. i saw him another time on the guitar legends festival in seville, spain which, upon researching on the net, i found out to be held around 1992 or a year earlier. that's where i got to know him first (oh my, i'm talking like a infatuation-stricken highschool girl from teenage hollywood) and sigh, his silky long hair. he's from extreme, the band who shot to popularity thanks to their melodic single more than words, a song which doesn't speak for the music they usually play, but which, coming from a band that plays songs which they describe as funky metal, and one which has won accolades in the hard rock/hard metal category, is really a surprise and a treasure because you get to see the extent of their guitarist's talent and skill. i'm talking about the portuguese-born nuno bettencourt. yeah, guitar god. he's got real mean fingers strutting on the fretboard. he could really shred and then in the next song or in the ending of the same song, play some folk-sounding spanish/irish tune on a classical guitar. extreme disbanded in 1996 and nuno went solo before forming new projects - mourning widows, population 1 and now dramagods. a side note (and this is important, hehe) nuno isn't as goodlooking in his pictures nowadays as in the older ones (at least to me). there's been much change, and i appreciate the younger him better. he even had a brief acting stint, i've got some stills later. he really had very nice hair - my utter weakness, i'm sorry, and combined with those portuguese looks, i think that's my perfect physical man. yes, i've just recently realized that that kind of image is what attracts me. if i could just post some pictures of my two other objects of infatuation today, you could more clearly see what i mean. but as i don't have any, content yourself with nuno's pics of which i'm planning to put in quite a lot. and did i mention he's won the best instrumentalist for a number of times in the boston music awards (boston being the hometown of extreme)? that's not to say he's the only glowing star in the band; gary cherone is also a great vocalist, and without pat greary (drummer) and pat badger (bassist), would nuno be exposed to the whole wide world?

by the way, nuno was here in pinoy country last year, june 9, for a clinic courtesy of washburn guitars (he's been endorsing this brand since the early 90's). here's more about him from the news at the yupangco website, "During his years as a teenager Nuno began playing drums, bass, and keyboards, but ultimately chose guitar as his primary instrument. As a guitarist, one of Nuno's earliest influences was Eddie Van Halen, however, as he developed his craft as a guitarist and songwriter, his influences ran the spectrum of The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Prince, Queen, The Pat Travers Band, and many more." yes, magazines have touted him as the next eddie van halen (besides the band's song jump, i know nothing else about eddie or his band van halen, except gary cherone is the new vocalist for the band).

so well, i'll stop here before i expose all my feelings to the world. here are some pics:

      Nuno Duarte Gil Mendes Bettencourt (b. September 20, 1966)






nuno and his dog max






early ad for washburn



                 


some stills from his movie (wasn't specified which) from a site (still have to dig up which one this is) - photos courtesy of scott bernstein






and another one from a diff. movie, playing a pizza delivery guy






when he married suze from the australian band baby animals (from same guy)






nuno and extreme






Extreme






nuno and gary (this was taken from the site of krissa, from her living room daze album. she's got a few more pics of extreme there, dating back to '87






nuno and pat badger - also from krissa






at the guitar legends festival hosted by brian may with joe walsh (of the eagles), joe sat and steve vai






nuno and top choice clique, a rap band under his color blind records






Nuno appears wearing only a guitar in a four full-page photo layout in InterView magazine's Bruce Weber Issue. Bruce handpicked the subjects from people he found inspirational. -- nuno-bettencourt.com






poster for the once-in-a-lifetime extreme reunion concert coming this june






his new band dramagods --> click to see their myspace profile

so well, i'm obsessed with the 90's era nuno (that astig latino look), not the one we see today. although i'll forever be fan of his guitar-playing :)

the champs

FC BARCELONA WINS THE CHAMPIONS LEAGUE FINAL AGAINST ARSENAL

barcelona is the champ!

fc barcelona took home the champions league! yeah!

thought the match was today, this wednesday. yun pala, it happened a week ago.

hopefully i can see a preview of the match when i get home.

kaya pala... naman e...

too many things happening.. i'm supposed to go home today. but i'm currently stuck in this computer shop because of the freakin' rain. bakit ba? kainis, ang init init kanina e.

something that came to my mind yesterday: is it really possible to live a life with many directions? isn't there only one purpose for every person like the characters in a nice novel?

pagsabihan daw ang sarili...

sana umuwi na lang ako sa probinsya.

kala mo mahihigitan mo ang kahinaan ng iyong will? hindi. kung ano man, nasayang lang ang dalawang araw na malapit nang maging tatlo. mantakin mo iyon. may mahabang eksam bukas sa chem 28 tapos nakahiga ka lang habang binabasa ang iyong notes. ang takaw mo pa. e di sana nakapagpa-adjust ka na ng braces at nakapag-enjy sa bahay.

at habang sinusulat mo 'to, wala ka pa ring balak bumangon at mag-aral nang matino. iyong tipong nakaupo sa mesa at nagso-solve ng mga problems. iniisip mo pa nga kung kailan ka makakapag-net upang mai-post ito sa blog mo. ang blog mong ang dami mong gustong ayusin sa susunod na makapag-net ka.

ayan, inaantok na ang iyong mga mata dahil sa hanging pumapalibot sa iyo bagamat naiinitan ka pa rin.

feeling mo ang galing-galing mo. nagsusulat ng ganito. pinapagalitan ang sarili, ikaw, na siyang nagsusulat ng mga pangaral na ito. feeling mo ang galing mo bilang tao, bilang up student, bilang mag-aaral ng food technology. ha! tingnan na lang natin bukas, simula ala-una ng hapon hanggang alas-tres. hindi mo kilala si del mundo. hindi mo pa lubos na kilala ang konsepto ng titrimetry, gravimetric analysis, pH at concentration. ilang oras na lang ang nalalabi. gagawa ka pa ng RDR. tingnan lang talaga natin.

ang taas ng pinapangarap mo pero wala ka namang ginagawa. magbago ka at maaabot mo iyon. ikaw rin ang magsisisi. hindi na maibabalik ang nakalipas.

mainit pa rin. haay...

muntik na kong mabuhayan ng loob sa pagsulat ng "ikaw rin ang magsisisi," pero hindi siya sapat. nakahiga pa rin ako. ewan ko kung hanggang kelan.

talking some more

i should like to talk more. well, to try to get things out of my head. or make a clearer semblance of them if not to get rid of them.

hmmm...

one thing on my mind which i haven't given full attention to is the current status of my religious belief/s. what about? whether i truly believe in Christ and all the roman catholic dogma. it's been a year or so already. i've only been going to mass when i'm in pangasinan.

(ok. i'm just gonna state the thoughts i've been having. it's not like i'm gonna be able to do some clear thinking here.)

and the previous entry's talking about my being out of touch with reality.

sheesh, i really need proximity to be able to keep up my relations with people. lalo na sa mga guys. if i made a friend or at least a casual acquaintance out of a guy today and i didn't get to see him tomorrow, i'd be so aloof it's like we just met on our next meeting. a perennial problem.

anyway, speaking of guys. i've seen the two guys i've been pining over ever since i realized summer classes are gonna start. actually, i was pining for only one, but then i got to see the other, and more frequently than the other may i add, that well, it's an added bonus. the other i've missed during the summer had his hair cut. didn't recognize him the first time i saw him. actually had the gall to look at him, and so we had a good stare at each other. i was drawn to him when i went to get water from casaa's water dispenser. and before i knew it, i was walking towards him looking at his face and that's when i realized it was him. him being the object of my all-about-guys-writings for the past months. darn, still haven't gotten over all those stuff. which is really frustrating or saddening or pitying for me.

i want to do a lot of things. not enough time to do but things i have to do. first up, i got to finish the results and discussion reports for experiments 5&6 and then study for the 1st long exam in quantitave inorganic analysis. chem for the summer. 6 hours a day in the chem pavilion. who would've thunk it? well i did. and it's a little more than two weeks before salvation comes. of course, throw in a number of exams before that happens.

i'll be darned. it's almost 3 pm on my watch. i haven't had lunch yet. and i'm planning to play today. so much for the top two things i have to do. promise, tonight. that is, if i don't pick up gaiman's neverwhere (newly bought at the as walk for P250, still brand new with the NBS sticker still at the back haha) or finish dickens' great expectations (less than a half-inch of pages more).

the freakin' tag-item for the number of comments is quite frustrating. haven't got the time to sift through the lines of tags on the template. but it wasn't there before. shouldn't be. no change occurred in that part of the tag. wonder what happened. somebody fix this.

warm up muna

kumusta na ba? kay tagal na rin.

shet, parang out of touch pa rin ako sa mundong ibabaw.

haha, wala na akong ibang masabi.

parang masaya ako na hindi.
kuntento na marami pa ring hinahanap.
undecided pero giniginaw.

ha?

warm-up lang muna.

tagal na ring di nakapagsulat ng tungkol sa sarili.

puro na lang lab reports. mga flavonols, phenols, antioxidants, hypothesis testing, test for independence. tapos kung bakit hindi compatible ang mixture ng sodium carbonate at sodium bicarbonate. bakit kailangan magpakulo ng sodium hydroxide bago gumawa ng solutions ng NaOH.

hala.

wala lang.

ang daming dapat gawin.

malamig pa rin.

balita ko may labor day sale sa sm, simula ngayong weekend. malamang pati sa ibang malls. maganda sanang pumunta. ang dami ko pa kasing iniisip.

loner for life

i'm a loner through and through.

nothing or no one could undo that in me.

i'd rather be alone presenting my major work.

i'm comfortable with myself only; the presence of others subjects me to thoughts of vanity.

this antisocialist view i came to realize only yesterday.

so why again?

i feel like nobody is ever going to understand me.

probably there's only one person who would.

but i haven't found that person yet.

in spite of all the people surrounding me, making me a part of their life, i feel like i will never be complete with all those people. it's me alone.

sad thought. but for now, it's the truth.