snared

it's quite hard to shake off that feeling of foreboding i kinda generated after writing the previous entry. but i had envisioned writing this post a number of times this past week. i've actually missed writing like this, sharing my thoughts with the notepad and some lost soul who'll care to read my rants and what-have-yous. in my vision, i had imagined writing about the greatness of some things or something and the joy you derive from it, or them. however, i can't seem to bring myself to write about them for i cannot articulate my thoughts well enough for them to see print, or in this case, a computer screen and the ones and zeros they require to be written.

there just are some things which blow you away. ideas or concepts, transformed into concrete or living and breathing beings... weaving an altogether different reality, which may be hidden within the threads of the reality where one dwells... stories of different beings, entities, interwoven, creating one marvelous epic stretching from when there was no time yet to the present... the epic exists, the stories came to be because there is destiny... and every being in the stories contributes to the completeness of the epic, bringing the stories round to a rousing conclusion... but you expect more... you just casually peeked in, an unexpected guest... you never knew the beginning... for as was said,

“But of course we never see the beginning. We come in the middle, after the lights have gone down, and try to make some sense of the story so far.

"... 'The story so far.’ Maybe it’s all we can ever hope for…"

i have not read the whole thing completely, for these tomes of rich stories come in expensive packets. but i will finish the story. in the meantime, thanks pam for lending and continuing to lend what you have, that i may get a head start on the epic that was luckily recorded. i am forever snared by the endless and those of their realm.

***

we're well in the middle of the month of march. somehow, i don't remember feeling like this during marches past. a sense of reluctance to move forward but still eagerly looking forward. it's not so much about me as the people i know who brought about this feeling. my batchmates who are taking up four-year degrees are about to graduate around this time. in fact, one good friend of mine did. i was surprised by her text message yesterday morning. i believe she woke up to a friendly quote i sent and replied that it was her graduation day that day. i'm so glad for her. but at the same time, i felt that soon enough, i would be in the same boat as her, with no more school to look forward to. it's real work, out there in this material world, where responsibilities are truly on your shoulders. one wrong move and a whole array of consequences will happen. it's got something to do with the feeling that my generation, the people i have grown up with, are moving forward to become the frontliners of this society. nowadays, we mainly mind only what we want, but once we've graduated, the expectations and needs of our family will be foremost in our mind. it's like waking up to what you should do when you've dreamed all your life of other things, such things being something like deciding just where to eat, or what to do for the weekend. or i may just have been too sheltered or pampered to think these thoughts. yes, i haven't tried any form of paying job - although i wanted to do so many times this year. the only form of housework i know is sweeping, washing dishes, hanging clothes to dry. although i'm the eldest, you can't expect me to look after the well-being of a whole house, mainly because i've been used to my mom doing that for us. as for food, there's my younger brother that we can all rely on. he's the prince of our home kitchen, so to speak. anyway, this has turned into a rant of my qualities and my utter incapacity. which will be neverending if i don't stop. so back to regular programming...

my roommate and boardmate of four years left this wednesday for a 3-month OJT in the US. such big plans, moving forward - all bespeak of the future. not just any future, but the future she wants to have. maybe that's why i'm having these feelings because i'm afraid of moving forward. i don't think that far forward. i have no plans yet, not even for the next academic year. i'm just looking forward to getting on and completing my practicum this summer. i don't like big changes. i'm not yet ready to move forward and make changes in my life. right now, i'm 21, and contented with staying here in UP (originally, longer than my required 5 years which may just happen though i'm not sure about it yet), staying in this boarding house i've stayed in for all my collegiate life, and bask in the idealism, excellence and culture that the university offers. but looking around me, seeing my batchmates taking that step towards blending in with society, i sometimes feel ashamed that i don't feel the same, but at the same time, by some sort of competitive feeling, i want to take that world head on at the same time that they do.

but then, maybe, that's just the mature me thinking and taking over.