daydreaming...

i was exclaiming to myself this morning, too many expletives in a very small period of time, like 3 minutes. i should study but then, other matters came over me and i was dreaming again. daydreaming to be exact. and what do i mostly daydream about? romantic scenes, the kinds that lead to happy endings in romance movies, you know with all the twists (fights, teases, misunderstandings in between). it's been quite a usual occurrence nowadays. i usually start them when i take a bath. and then till i change into my clothes, i'm still not done with it. it's really amazing, i get to concoct a number of lines, plus the appropriate expressions, gestures and actions. but when it comes to studying, i don't proceed that far. i should try writing down some. tedious job. well, since i've procrastinated so much, i didn't do as well as the exam should have brought out in a diligent student. come on, that must be one of the easiest midterms ever. but me, forever a crappy student since i stepped in high school. so one more exam tomorrow. gotta imbibe that thing about the taylor, maclaurin and binomial series. won't be able to pass the draft on my report in 135 though. probably watch the dare night too.

***

an aside: yep, i'm totally alright again. i love spending time with people once more. though there are quite a few problems with org peeps/stuff, but nothing too depressing or unsolvable. wah! i'd like to play futbol once more. ought to watch a dare night too. so, in another 24 hours then.

back to my old self

i'm slowly regaining my connections, my touch with reality. no more suicidal thoughts. no more mind-numbing sadness. but i'm still my old self. although i was quite friendly with the apps who were asking for my signature awhile ago. people must be all that i need. if i didn't have a choice, i wouldn't probably this elated after the day that has been. elated is more like an overstatement, but given the events of the weekend, i'm glad that i'm back to this state i am now.

so, finally exams have caught up. draft on ion-exchange due on thursday. hallo to the night. cheers!

weekend

you know, if i just bragged enough, i'd amaze a good number of people out there. like those peeps who don't live really extraordinarily. okay, the normal filipino teen then.

how so? i've just spent 3 days holed up in the same place without much interaction, human interaction. true. i've had no company since saturday afternoon. mars went home to laguna last friday, alessa went home saturday around lunch. i've just been reading american gods the whole morning. we haven't even been talking much then. then i decided to indulge myself.

the long weekend was supposed to be a time for me to catch up on everything. math midterms on wednesday, 3rd long exam the following day, exam in fs135 on saturday. the report draft for 135 is also due on thursday. and up to this time, i haven't done anything that will help me accomplish any of those tasks i'll be facing this week. but indulge myself i did. and mistakes of mistakes, i let my cramming self take over again. yes, it seems ages ago when i've prepared quite awhile before any exam or project. back in elementary, i was a conscentious student. now, i cannot work unless the deadline is just a few hours away. it's been a big problem for me, but then, it's very hard for me to change my ways. i actually resolved to myself last friday that i'll do things right this time. no more cramming. i'll actually study hard for math. and begin reading the books i've borrowed for my report (on ion-exchange chrom). and i haven't risen up to the demand again. and yet, i realized on sunday afternoon (after making sure i've uploaded the data needed for fs131) that it is impossible for me to concentrate on a task that will take place a few days from now. so i thought, i'll study for sure on monday (what did i do on saturday? i'm sure i stayed up quite late, finished american gods for one, and continued reading love in the time of cholera). for now, let me watch some korean movies. i did. 3 movies straight. korean movie marathon, thanks to alessa's dvds. i watched a bold family (a nice watch, funny circumstances bring the laughs), the lure of the wolf (the connotation to the wolf only evident during the opening sequence and hmm, two more lovely looking guys i wound up wanting) and everybody has secrets (what would you think or do if you found out that the guy you love and intend to marry worked his charms with your two other sisters and had sexual relations with them, hiding under the guise of doing everyone good by giving them a secret - in the end, they didn't end up together but the guy, goodlooking that he is, was smarting in the end that if not for him, those sisters wouldn't have been happy with their lives). friday night, we watched a korean film (bad video quality) about a girl who's haunted by the ghost of an ancient princess, who must marry a certain guy before she turns 16 and give birth in a year or else she dies. after yesterday's marathon, the computer didn't get a rest yet as i read the files i can (a lot of 'em, stacked through the years of net surfing) all throughout the night, playing some yahoo downloaded games in between (actually, i played during the earlier part of the night, i've just been reading till i switched the pc off). i must have switched the pc on around 3.30 pm (had lunch at around 3) and switched it off at 5 am this morning.

woke up around 9:30 this morning. ate cheese bread sandwich. i don't really like the taste of magnolia's cheezee. well, it's not cheddar cheese as i was accustomed with eden, only pasteurized milk cheese spread (i wonder how that bar of cheese got called a cheese spread) and then thought i'd study. concentration wasn't there yet so i thought i'd fix some files in the pc. since not interested n studying yet, i said i'd watch one movie. it was sad movie, and yeah, the ending was sad (3 of the characters here appeared in movies i'd seen before - the cute guy and friend of the protagonist in he was cool, the guy in my sassy girl, and the girl in the beast and the beauty). after browsing through some of the movies from the dvd (particularly he was cool - the character as well as looks of the protagonist really got to me the first time i watched it), i decided i'd read on ion-exchange chrom. fell asleep instead. awoke around 7pm. not yet inspired to study, brought out the guitar. got to composing a song. i thought the composing part was quite easy, like it's natural. but then looking back at the melody, it sucked. so anyway, i thought i'd write about the whole weekend experience. experience? yeah, take this: Sat breakfast - bread with ham spread, lunch - rice w/ menudo at 3pm, dinner - snack foods bought from coop earlier; Sun breakfast - bread with cheese, lunch - cream O (the only one besides the loaf bread left from the things i bought yesterday), dinner - footlong. so, since coming home friday night, i've only gone out of the house once on sunday afternoon to upload files on the net (got to take home a few interesting files to read, too) then have a proper, however late, lunch. and no, i did not stay downstairs. i was here in my room, the whole time. a cramped little world of my own. are you detecting any emotion there? happiness maybe. well, if you've read the previous three posts, you'll know that i'm sad and sulking from my lack of drive/purpose/motivation. this morning, i didn't feel completely different. but right now, i feel like i'm going back to my old happy (contented) self. i'm ready to face the world again. weird... the prospect of a long weekend here may have triggered all those sorry stuff i've been thinking about myself since friday. but it couldn't have. i've been feeling down for close to a week come saturday, so that mustn't be it. anyhow, i'm only waiting for ate eva to arrive so that i can expect no more intrusions tonight (meaning, i've no one else to expect). my only class tomorrow is from 11.30-1. i reckon i could study pretty good in the morning (hopefully). i also just this evening that my reading material on ion-exchange chrom is not so substantial. but there are no more books on this available at the cs lib. the troubles you get for procrastinating. anyway, take a look at the piece i composed. it's got a silly/simple/awful melody, simple chord progression which doesn't really sound tight as yet.

staying in bed all through the day
lying awake, what there is more to say
nobody else around, no one to talk to
the burden is not yours, it's mine to tend to

alone watching movies, moving through memories
reality at a standstill, it's not really productive
procrastinating, walking down the path of destruction
is there still a reason to continue to live

somehow, sometime, i'll pick myself up
sometimes reason just leaves me bhind
motivation going nowhere, no driving purpose
this is hard living, pertaining only to existence (this line needs reworking)

melancholic wanderings do me no good
holing up by myself, what am i, an antisocial?
too many questions, only lead to sad thoughts
stop this madness, it's time to live again (exactly my sentiments tonight)

staying in bed all through the day
lying awake, what there is more to say
nobody else around, no one to talk to
the burden is not yours, it's mine to tend to
the burden is not yours, it's mine to tend to

sounds familiar? a probable summary of the weekend that has been. i'm thinking of calling it madness. i was just experimenting with a chord prog (G-Am-Dm-C-/E-F-G) and then thought, hey, why don't i write down the words to go with it. i don't know how it would sound. i gotta ask someone, sally, to provide a better melody with the chord prog i have. or else, provide a whole new chord prog for the song. anyway, it has no chorus, so i just thought i'd repeat the first stanza. anyway, its last line delivers what ought to be done, and that is i should take action (although the word tend seems kinda weak and quite out of place). i inserted a Cm after the C because playing the fourth of the scale then going back to G didn't really sound good to my ear. it was kinda off, like it was cut and then restarted right away. actually, the melody only runs from G to C(/Cm) as the next ones only provided fillers in between the 2nd and 3rd, and 4th and 5th stanzas.

so... i've been blabbing for quite a long while already. another night about to pass without any productive activity from moi. i've no update on the APO tribute album. so far i've heard two (pumapatak na naman ang ulan by pne, one i've heard a number of times and is playing right now, and awit ng barkada by the itchyworms). didn't know it was out already. need a trip to the mall (SM). but first, laundry. it's been a week without washing anything. and yeah, i gotta stop this. so ciao! it's 9:04 pm, an hour and 3 minutes since i began typing this.

lackadaisical

lack of social skills is more like it. that's gotta be the main problem.

i received a forwarded text greeting just awhile ago. it says something like the lack of purpose is what makes people quite life. if there's a purpose, you won't tire. so don't ever quit what God wants you to do in life. there, you'll live!

this was just connected to something that crossed my mind earlier this morning. what if you've lived a good part of your life. and then, when you're like in your 30s, you realize that everything was not true. everything, everyone you came across with was just there because somebody/someone made them to be there. they were there to accomplish a purpose set out by that all-seeing controller of your life. like shadow's life in american gods. he was conceived to fulfill the grand plan of Loki and Odin. his wife died so that they could use him. won't it just suck that everything's been planned out. what more is the purpose of living, right? just like the concept of God having planned out everything. you're just there to live it out, see it to its end. what about choice? what, even if you make choices, there's something pre-programmed already as to what would happen if you would choose this or the other? i don't think of it that way. so even if God exists, i think he doesn't meddle too much. throws in some personages, problems, troubles, happy moments. well, that's still meddling enough. but he doesn't directly control your life. you're exposed to a lot of stimuli and it's up for you to decide what happens. well, there's still some aspect of control there. what if there was no one completely? it's too complicated to write right now. i'm still swamped with school work. btw, my sis did not get to go home. she was supposed to leave yesterday morning. however, because of the incessant rain in pangasinan, my parents advised her against it. especially since it's her first time going home by herself. she was kinda disappointed from her text message yesterday. speaking of text, i misplaced my globe sim just last night. it's gotta be in this desk somewhere but my search has been fruitless so far.

a little prodding is all i needed, that's what i thought yesterday. nobody did. the person i expected to do it even called me up yesterday but was content with my answer of not going with the rest of the guys. besides, it was too late since i hadn't accomplished anything the whole day of yesterday. so i ought to do good today and tomorrow.

thinking

am i passing up on an opportunity to raise my spirits up by not going to the bday celeb tonight? am i really that cruel to myself that i would shun the company of others until i get myself better? i'm starting to do it now. and i think it will last until tomorrow and well into monday if external forces don't act up to change how i'm feeling. where's the bright sunshine? it's covered by the clouds. i guess, this way, i can concentrate more on what i need to do. like acads stuff for example. no happy thoughts to think about, no other things i'd rather do than study. no korean movies to put an end to this dark thoughts it's warning of rain.

down again

i've been feeling down and out of sorts for close to a week already, if not more than. i used to delight in playing futbol. it seems this week, i shall pass. even though it's a long weekend (ninoy aquino day on monday, the 21st; right now, manong quezon is having his day). i was envisioning playing with the sikad pips last friday, today and on monday.

ther're so many things i need to do and want to do. everything's piling up. my emotions haven't been helping. it affects my views, my actions, my decisions. i've been asking myselfs lots of questions lately, and providing answers, too, which leads to a lot more questions. i think it's because of the want of purpose. i can't seem to find it in the things i do nowadays. the only thing i think is worthwhile doing is related to acads. shit, i'm really miserable. i've lost my drive. or misplaced it somewhere. this had happened some time ago, too.

what are movies, music and football to one's life? what good is surfing the net? what is about reading books or learning? do i really have friends? or are the people around me just contented with just staying there? am i even important to them, just as other people are important to them? do i really need those other people?

i do get a temporary respite from those emotions when i'm involved in conversation with people. it seems they're forgotten for a moment. and i'm my old self again. i don't abhor (or not like, for a better description) those things i'm interested in, like i do when i'm alone, like this, trying to sort myself. and then the conversation's over, and i watch over everything with a detached eye. not part of the situation, an outside observer, i ask all sorts of questions, and recently, something's been bugging me. what's the purpose of all these?

i shun senseless stuff. senseless is not mundane. i do delight in the mundane sometimes. they provide leisure, entertainment, as everyone is bound to learn when coming across it. the senseless...they're crap. and what do i consider crap? mainstream stuff? i think that's what best describes those things i have been turning my back on. and pa-kyut na hirit. pa-konyong pananalita. walang kwentang kwentuhan. i run into such so very often. (ask me where i've been staying.) i don't join in the crowd who think they're cool, being the center of attention, talking about crap. why? because i love alternative things. i think they're crap because i think i'm cool, joining such societies as sikad futbol club, cinema and music circle. i think if people were more like me, i'd like them better. i'd tolerate them more. but then, what am i? jack of all trades, master of none. i'd like to say i love to get the best out of life. as long as they're within reach. i sometimes think that i'd like to consider myself an intellectual, rising above many others who are confined to what they learn from mainstream media, everyday things. nagpapaka-intelektwal. everyone wants to feel on a level higher than many others at some points in their lives. and when you are, does everybody know about it? nope. personal gratification is what you can only get most times.

people who are alone are the freest people in the world. that's what's said in the opening of the korean movie Love Talks - a slow-paced, probably melodramatic story of two females and their love ties with the world - one i was gonna watch last night but which i slept on. and i did, still do believe in it. romantic relationships are but shackles. unless you're completely go with relinquishing your singlehood to a life of not only considering yourself but thinking along the lines of "you and i" - will it be convenient/worthwhile/good for us or where/what time/what food will we eat - then you've completely accepted that fate. and i'm proud of you for allowing yourself to be controlled by the whims of the relationship. and i do get bored with a single person as a constant companion. variety is what drives me. at least, when i'm in my up and happy days. well, doesn't everyone wish they have a significant other? the concept of romantic love is so primitive, it's like second nature to people. everyone is touched by it. everyone is looking for it. and unless you're one of the more modern, liberated thinkers, you'd not waste time looking for it in places where you won't find it, because if it's meant to happen, it's bound to come to you. some people say they're complete with their partner. they're happy then. sometimes, i do imagine finding the love of my life. somebody who's there to appreciate me just for who i am. we'll be each other's support system emotionally. yes, such feelings are quite natural, i guess, now that i'm in my twenties and having had no boyfriend yet. i'd yearn for someone like that, ideally, with the face and stature of my crush since i only input the personality i come up with when i daydream. and i sometimes think that another person to share my life with will probably complete this missing part of life. no man is an island they say. i agree with that. what's my point again? seeing that i'm still miserable, i wish to know if a having a partner, a boyfriend in more practical terms, could lift me up, make me do away with this down days. but then, what follows is the line of thinking that goes why don't i attract guys in the first place. i see a number of girls who are not beautiful physically, but they've got guys in their lives. a question of self-esteem. and self-worth. what is it that those girls have? what is it that i have? should i be more vulnerable, more helpless, since guys wish to be the knight in shining armor, that they'd like to show they're stronger than you sometimes. that they can comfort you and give you security and happiness when everyone and/or everything else fails? if that's what's needed to happen, i don't think i can snag a guy anytime soon. unless he reads all this stuff and find out that questions of the mind are what's bothering me and pushes me to the lowest depths of existence.

when i think about it, the lack of purpose and a sense of unbelongingness is what's making me feel this way. though i joined a number of orgs, i think that i'm just a speck in the multitude, unimportant. they could get by without me. it's up to me if i'd care to catch up with them. why? it all boils down to personality. and time constraints. i know that proximity and time spent best leads to better relationships with people. that's the case for me. and since acad stuffs are taking so much time, i'm feeling out of touch with people. did this trigger my current need of a purpose, my demotivation? it might have. i think i'm sure it has. coz' what's the point of doing the things you do when you don't feel that people appreciate it? bleh, it's a huge circle, things happening and going in all directions.

i started writing this 2:02 pm. an hour and 2 minutes later, i rest my fingers. i just realized what i wrote in the last paragraph right now. and, i don't know what i'd do with that realization. it just seems like my state of mind is not going to get any better today.

magfi-field pa naman ang sikad ngayon. gusto ko sana maglaro. pati kahapon. tapos pumunta sa birthday celeb ni kuya butoy mamaya. kung may pumilit sa akin pumunta, i might reconsider my not going to bulacan for the overnight gathering of sikad peeps. importante ba ko sa mga tao doon? tapos dapat mag-aaral ako sa overnight or sunday whole day. bahala na. bahala na kung bumagsak at mag-math 162 at magpariwara sa napakalaking espasyo ng up diliman. wala naman atang pinatutunguhan tong buhay na to e.