classes are over. the weather is the type that would be ideal for brooding (grey, sunless mornings which have been the norm for two weeks already). i've been awake since 6 (am i not always?) and started rereading brief lives (the sandman series is totally awesome). after the high i kinda acquired yesterday, my emoitions are so mellowed down today. but there's not much to brood. the thing i need to do is to get around to finishing the acad stuffs i've left behind to get ready for the coming sem. but well, i've decided to make use of this time to write about something that i've been meaning to write about for a long time.
nothing beats feeling depressed on what an eventual failure you might be and having the song that tugs at your emotions the most playing over and over to... make you just go over and cry. well, i didn't cry.. certainly not.
it was a saturday night, i still had my sulitxt ongoing. after forwarding some quotes, i found that i still have a globe number of my high school thesis financier (actually, partner, but financial resources was what he was able to share). i thought i'd text the number to see if it was still working and i got a reply soon after. apparently, it's now his active number. so we had a great conversation - talking about the planned high school reunion after only 5 years, mind you, and catching up on what's been going on with each of our lives. he's been working, making a 5-figure salary a month doing what he likes doing and has been doing since high school. talk about having the right resources. i was having a good time talking to him while he was finishing a project. but eventually, i fell asleep. it was already around 3 am.
i woke up that morning and fell to thinking about our conversation. and somehow, this overwhelming sense of... failure was it, draped over me. at least that's what i surmised days after that incident. i just lay in bed with plenty of thoughts and emotions going through me. eventually, i switched on the pc and tried playing some music. and then i played aimee mann's save me. and there was no getting over it. before the song was over, i had it on repeat. i was supposed to meet my sister in manila to find some apartment that we could possibly rent for kevin's imminent studying there. i had planned to be there by 9. the song played intermittently 18 more times. and i just laid there. no tears, no. just a particularly dark mood. (and i was alone in the room that time). i decided i should get going already although i found no way out of my depression yet. the feeling stayed with me on the bus. my eyes were watery already by the time i got off at taft. my sister fell asleep waiting for me so i waited for some 30 minutes outside the gate of her dorm. when she finally let me in, i still had to wait for quite awhile for her to get ready. i guess my depression was reaching its peak by then. i was close to bursting to tears, actually shedding some from time to time but i managed to control it. karen finally came down but i still couldn't stop shedding tears. at that time, there was no obvious reason why i was doing it. i told myself and karen over and over again that it was due to nothing. i thought it was probably the song. i couldn't stop playing it, and that's what's probably causing that mood at that time. i finallly stilled myself and we were able to set out on our mission. all the walking around, the need to think straight and the heat finally banished all the depressiing thoughts i harbored.
it was only later that i reailzed what it was about. i was feeling like a failure. i encouraged my "feeling down" by thinking more and more about it. and playing save me just clinched it. it's my perfect depression song. more than the words, it's the melody that completely takes me in when i'm in a vulnerable mood. well, it's not actually that my mood is vulnerable, but when i'm depressed, any thought or idea that crosses my mind could send me to even greater depths. stoking the fire, so to speak. only in this case, it's more like digging a hole deeper and deeper. the song took me in the course of its playing and bannered my emotions. in a way, it magnified what i was feeling sending me close to bursting in tears. no song has done that before. such a very simple melody. nice vocals. the opening groove played with, correct me if i'm wrong, the bass string of an acoustic guitar with a simple beat accompanying it immediately snagged me. the rest of the song played along with my emotion, complementing it, that's why i felt the need to listen to it over and over again. that's all i did, play it over and over again. with its tight grip on my emotions, i was not able to let go of the song and the feelings i had. there. a perfectly, utterly depressed me. there's no way around it. the power of that song.
it really is the song. it's my first time to encounter anything like it. i discovered years before that when i'm angry, i play loud music because well, when i'm really angry, nothing gets to me, no emotion, no other people, nothing until i've cooled off. so maybe the loudness was all that i could associate with my feelings - the aggressve thoughts forming - even though i'm not receiving anything.
so there. i've made my point. i wanted to make another entry. but i'll postpone it for another time when i'm feeling like my usual self - not so happy, not so sad - just the everyday me, because i want to talk about a fairly enjoyable experience. and all this thiniking and this weather has kinda put damper on my emotions today, but it's nothing that a good company can't erase.
start here...
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Thursday, May 15, 2008
about yesterday
i was with my mom this morning. she's here on one of her series of trips to get ready for my brother who's going to be studying CE in UE come june. i haven't been exactly telling the truth regarding my acads and my plans for the coming semester. she was expecting me to graduate on my fifth year, which did not happen. indeed, they'll get a surprise that inspite of not graduating, i have my graduation picture already nicely done. anyway, she asked me if i'll get to finish my thesis by first sem since that's all that's keeping me from graduating and when i said i'm not sure, that i'll see about it, she eventually said that (obviously translated) "if i can't finish my studies, then it's fine, i should just stop. it's shameful but there's nothing that can be done about it." i laughed at that.
i laughed because that thought had crossed my mind a number of times recently. i must've been deep in the thought of not being able to finish my thesis - what with a one semester deadline hanging over me and being the hopeless procrastinator and unprioritizing happy go lucky student that i am - that i didn't mind not being able to achieve a degree. although the thought of what i'd do after dropping out stilled me a bit. but i guess that wasn't going to deter me. i am seeing no hope in myself as a future food technologist anyway. and what do i really want to do? many things, but not the routinary things that one expects from a person who holds a regular job. i want to be involve in some cinematic pursuits, never mind if i'll start from scratch, be a hobbyist photographer though i've no funds yet to buy myself a decent SLR of my own, let alone a DSLR, explore the philippines' underwater life, play football, read plenty of books, watch plenty of anime and movies and earn money doing jobs on the side. and this is the philippines. one can't possibly live comfortably doing a myriad of other things while holding one part-time job here one time and then moving to another one another time. there's no stability, no hope for financial security. business may guarantee, but only after some years, and that is if it's the right business. don't have the chops for it yet, but eventually, that's what i plan on having. routine is not for me. a desk job, 9-5. nope, it wouldn't work. just like right now, here in school. you can't expect to see me diligently studying. i would prefer to be somewhere else than be stuck in my room reading or doing exercises. i can't possibly stay here in up and just study. nope, i gotta be involved in a bunch of other things. which is kinda frustrating because extra-curricular stuff tend to become prioritized over acads, over what may be my future. but i'm not saying that'll be the entirety of it. i can do transcription. i would also like to try tutoring. but the lack of proper facilities - especially if i want to tutor foreign kids living in their own countries - sets me back and hmmm, i haven't found that is quite as lucrative as of yet. so i've only tried transcription, and hmm, doing student assistantship work (the latter for P30 an hour). it's really quite hard to make a living while trying to live at the same time.
but then, entertaining these thoughts - you may think that i'm not at all entirely capable of finishing something like a thesis. indeed i can, if i only put my mind to it. i'm looking forward, thinking of the worst possible scenario. which may not be quite far from the mark given my nature. i also know that if i do not finish it, i'd just allowed myself to fail. it's something that's completely in my control. i could've started the study this summer, but i made up excuses and i have no product to show for it. and so now, i'm lamenting the shortness of 5 months. and since my parents have kinda agreed to shoulder my expenses for the coming sem, they wouldn't be so generous if i extend into the second semester. that's something which i would be able to manage, i think. call centers abound. i just have to make use of my time properly, something which i have yet to learn, given my ambition to know about many things. why, for the online enlistment for the coming sem, i enlisted for german 10-11, spanish 10-11, film 110 (basic photography), basic orienteering and futsal, on top of having to spend lots of lab hours for my thesis and possibly having to take up physics 72 again.
if only i'm as strong-willed as i would like to be.. then i could do all those and graduate on time. i'm really hoping that i could.
i laughed because that thought had crossed my mind a number of times recently. i must've been deep in the thought of not being able to finish my thesis - what with a one semester deadline hanging over me and being the hopeless procrastinator and unprioritizing happy go lucky student that i am - that i didn't mind not being able to achieve a degree. although the thought of what i'd do after dropping out stilled me a bit. but i guess that wasn't going to deter me. i am seeing no hope in myself as a future food technologist anyway. and what do i really want to do? many things, but not the routinary things that one expects from a person who holds a regular job. i want to be involve in some cinematic pursuits, never mind if i'll start from scratch, be a hobbyist photographer though i've no funds yet to buy myself a decent SLR of my own, let alone a DSLR, explore the philippines' underwater life, play football, read plenty of books, watch plenty of anime and movies and earn money doing jobs on the side. and this is the philippines. one can't possibly live comfortably doing a myriad of other things while holding one part-time job here one time and then moving to another one another time. there's no stability, no hope for financial security. business may guarantee, but only after some years, and that is if it's the right business. don't have the chops for it yet, but eventually, that's what i plan on having. routine is not for me. a desk job, 9-5. nope, it wouldn't work. just like right now, here in school. you can't expect to see me diligently studying. i would prefer to be somewhere else than be stuck in my room reading or doing exercises. i can't possibly stay here in up and just study. nope, i gotta be involved in a bunch of other things. which is kinda frustrating because extra-curricular stuff tend to become prioritized over acads, over what may be my future. but i'm not saying that'll be the entirety of it. i can do transcription. i would also like to try tutoring. but the lack of proper facilities - especially if i want to tutor foreign kids living in their own countries - sets me back and hmmm, i haven't found that is quite as lucrative as of yet. so i've only tried transcription, and hmm, doing student assistantship work (the latter for P30 an hour). it's really quite hard to make a living while trying to live at the same time.
but then, entertaining these thoughts - you may think that i'm not at all entirely capable of finishing something like a thesis. indeed i can, if i only put my mind to it. i'm looking forward, thinking of the worst possible scenario. which may not be quite far from the mark given my nature. i also know that if i do not finish it, i'd just allowed myself to fail. it's something that's completely in my control. i could've started the study this summer, but i made up excuses and i have no product to show for it. and so now, i'm lamenting the shortness of 5 months. and since my parents have kinda agreed to shoulder my expenses for the coming sem, they wouldn't be so generous if i extend into the second semester. that's something which i would be able to manage, i think. call centers abound. i just have to make use of my time properly, something which i have yet to learn, given my ambition to know about many things. why, for the online enlistment for the coming sem, i enlisted for german 10-11, spanish 10-11, film 110 (basic photography), basic orienteering and futsal, on top of having to spend lots of lab hours for my thesis and possibly having to take up physics 72 again.
if only i'm as strong-willed as i would like to be.. then i could do all those and graduate on time. i'm really hoping that i could.
FC Sikad Acceler8s this 2008!
Futbol Club Sikad ACCELER8s this 2008!
Currently based in UP Diliman, FC Sikad is on its 8th year of moving towards football excellence.
Lineup of Events:
May 10 - Sikad Ignite: Members' Orientation
May 18 - Sikad Boost: Leadership Training
May 24 - Sikarera: Sikad Sportsfest
May 31 - PaSikadan: Football Convention
June 6-8 - Sikad Reload: Outing
PaSikadan is open to all football fans, players and just plain football enthusiasts. Please standby for further details. You may also contact Avie at 0915.586.9502 / 0929.607.6422 or email us at fcsikad@gmail.com.
Celebrate with us and spread the word! :D
Sunday, May 4, 2008
two days with nature
the first thing that people always notice about me which i would nonchalantly brush off is my getting red in the face whenever we're drinking something with ethanol. i've been in these sessions many number of times to know that thanks to my dad's unique genes (yes, he too turns tomato red and chats or sings the night away when he's drunk), my excesssive blushing won't escape the notice of my drinking mates once they've seen me in enough light. such was the case during my last drinking soiree last night. twas my first time to drink lambanog and in a bottle of mineral water to wit, and all the while traveling through quezon, laguna, batangas, slex and the rest of metro manila in an 20-or-so-seater jeepney. haha! all thanks to the efforts of ate ina, daughter of our PI prof, sir nilo ocampo. we were on our way home from a most memorable field trip from dolores, quezon, home of the rizalists.
it was two days of constantly getting wet, walking paths through the maze of stones big and small, mossy or not, and getting your whole body through some small, just-barely-(candle-)lit spaces. all the while, i've knocked my knees countless times enough to have some bukol on them after two days, scraping my elbows and arms (buti na lang i don't bruise easily) and have had to pull myself up so that my armpits kinda hurt (this tells me i need to strengthen my upper body and arms). and this getting wet portion - it's not as if we had any choice. we only found out when we got to the falls that we literally have to take a bath and not just get ourselves wet by passing through the river. as a sort of cleansing, we had to stand under the very cold waters of the talon ng sta. lucia. we went through four different cleansings, the last one done by our faci who scooped up plenty of cold water inside the cave where we went through.
it was my first time to bathe in a river, and nature is really something. those waters are sooooo cold. brrr! it was my first time to get inside caves. and my golly. nothing beats Husgado. you're really being tested there. thanks to our group leader lec, i was able to pass through the caves that needed passing. i'm kind of a dimwit when it comes to ascertaining the space and the size of my body haha. we were also supposed to climb the hill called Kalbaryo, but since we took plenty of time in the caves, it was getting dark when we were making our way to the top that we met sir ocampo on the way down. our group - taimis, and the other facilitated by ate ina - placido penitente - were the ones who were not able to make it all the way up to kalbaryo, only some 1/3 of the way. by the way, our faci was kuya alex, he of the violet-banded braids, violet bag, and almost-perenially rudy project-shielded eyes. hehe. we got separated from him on the way back to qc because he had to be the faci for one of the other jeepneys. anyway, he was an accomodating person - well, i guess he was, with the many demands or pangungulit that my groupmates were making.
on the second day, there was still a hole that we had to crawl through (for the fun or challenge of it - methinks that's the only reason we had to go through it) and one cave (the last cleansing for the trip), and a jump from 10-ft high into a 10-ft deep river below. i don't really know how to swim because i can't survive in bodies of water where my feet can't touch the bottom. but i took up the challenge. was actually nervous right before i made a jump. but i jumped. and i fought to burst through the water when i realized it was taking quite a long while for me to touch the rope that they provided for crossing. but it was a great experience. if only more field trips were like this hehe.
now, the religious implication of this field trip - Dolores, Quezon being home to many Rizalist groups... i'll leave that for another time. or maybe when you've finally enlisted the pinaghihirapang i-enlist na PI 100. hehe.
it was two days of constantly getting wet, walking paths through the maze of stones big and small, mossy or not, and getting your whole body through some small, just-barely-(candle-)lit spaces. all the while, i've knocked my knees countless times enough to have some bukol on them after two days, scraping my elbows and arms (buti na lang i don't bruise easily) and have had to pull myself up so that my armpits kinda hurt (this tells me i need to strengthen my upper body and arms). and this getting wet portion - it's not as if we had any choice. we only found out when we got to the falls that we literally have to take a bath and not just get ourselves wet by passing through the river. as a sort of cleansing, we had to stand under the very cold waters of the talon ng sta. lucia. we went through four different cleansings, the last one done by our faci who scooped up plenty of cold water inside the cave where we went through.
it was my first time to bathe in a river, and nature is really something. those waters are sooooo cold. brrr! it was my first time to get inside caves. and my golly. nothing beats Husgado. you're really being tested there. thanks to our group leader lec, i was able to pass through the caves that needed passing. i'm kind of a dimwit when it comes to ascertaining the space and the size of my body haha. we were also supposed to climb the hill called Kalbaryo, but since we took plenty of time in the caves, it was getting dark when we were making our way to the top that we met sir ocampo on the way down. our group - taimis, and the other facilitated by ate ina - placido penitente - were the ones who were not able to make it all the way up to kalbaryo, only some 1/3 of the way. by the way, our faci was kuya alex, he of the violet-banded braids, violet bag, and almost-perenially rudy project-shielded eyes. hehe. we got separated from him on the way back to qc because he had to be the faci for one of the other jeepneys. anyway, he was an accomodating person - well, i guess he was, with the many demands or pangungulit that my groupmates were making.
on the second day, there was still a hole that we had to crawl through (for the fun or challenge of it - methinks that's the only reason we had to go through it) and one cave (the last cleansing for the trip), and a jump from 10-ft high into a 10-ft deep river below. i don't really know how to swim because i can't survive in bodies of water where my feet can't touch the bottom. but i took up the challenge. was actually nervous right before i made a jump. but i jumped. and i fought to burst through the water when i realized it was taking quite a long while for me to touch the rope that they provided for crossing. but it was a great experience. if only more field trips were like this hehe.
now, the religious implication of this field trip - Dolores, Quezon being home to many Rizalist groups... i'll leave that for another time. or maybe when you've finally enlisted the pinaghihirapang i-enlist na PI 100. hehe.
Friday, May 2, 2008
thoughts afore daybreak
it's been two days. Capt. Jack Sparrow haunts me. i need to see him and be near him. literally. his carefreeness, his drunken-like swagger, the expressions playing on his face, the playfulness and lilting tone of his voice when he talks. his matted, beaded hair, the captain's hat and the boots and trousers and long-sleeved top. high time i watch pirates of the caribbean: curse of the black pearl. aye, mate!
***
it's been ages since my last post. i've ventured into my first climb - Mt. Daguldol with 18 other peeps (check out the pics, i've taken up extensive reading for pi 100 this summer, i found out that i have no grade yet for fs199, i've watched coffee prince and hana yori dango, and this morning, i'm set to discover the mysticism of mount banahaw as the supposed 'promised land' and to witness the devotion of the Rizalists.
it's been ages since my last post. i've ventured into my first climb - Mt. Daguldol with 18 other peeps (check out the pics, i've taken up extensive reading for pi 100 this summer, i found out that i have no grade yet for fs199, i've watched coffee prince and hana yori dango, and this morning, i'm set to discover the mysticism of mount banahaw as the supposed 'promised land' and to witness the devotion of the Rizalists.
